“I like you but you’re white… ” was what I said to my Caucasian friend when he asked to take me out for a meal. I was 28 at the time, studying in graduate school and considered myself a progressive Korean-American. At that point in my life, I had traveled to many parts of the world, served in various international ministry projects and had even studied Spanish and African-American studies in college. Yet, despite my many cross-cultural experiences, when it came to the idea of dating and marriage, it was Korean or nothing.

From a young age my parents instilled in me the idea that there is no other option in marriage but to marry a Korean. Even though we moved to the US when I was eight years old, the expectation was always that I would find a good Korean husband and start a family. This same expectation was enforced by my larger community of Korean friends. It was unnatural, abnormal, and just plain unacceptable to marry a non-Korean. After all, how can a Korean and a non-Korean truly enjoy intimacy? They cannot speak the same language, eat the same food, or truly understand where the other is coming from.

With these cultural rules firmly intact I was suddenly knocked off balance when I encountered this intriguing “white” guy. He was awfully fun, witty, compassionate, and full of life. On top of all that, he was committed to ministry and a lifetime of overseas work. When he initially asked me out I unequivocally said no. It was not even a question to ponder. Whether I thought he was interesting or not it did not matter. Why should I go out with a white guy when I knew I would never marry one? How could we ever connect in a meaningful way? How could he understand the experiences of a Korean-American? He would not understand our Korean jokes, our Konglish. He cannot possibly understand my Korean family, our values, customs, and our hang-ups. Wrong race, wrong color, wrong ethnicity, however you describe it the chasm that existed in my mind between my Korean cultural heritage and this “white” American was impassable.

A good nine months passed from when I first said no to this interesting but ethnically unacceptable young man; it was only until we were on a mission trip together that I caught a better glimpse of how thoughtful and cross-culturally considerate he was. His interactions with the local people were wonderful to watch. He seemed to get along with all types of people and as I continued to observe him, my heart began to grow fonder. Somehow his “whiteness” was fading and I realized I was truly attracted to him. Upon returning from our trip I asked him out and the rest is history… We just celebrated seven years of marriage and now have a wonderful baby girl. Do not be fooled, however, for the road was not easy, and yet the pay-off is far greater than I could ever have imagined.

During our courtship I could not seem to overcome how different my white boyfriend was from me. One night when he took me out for a fancy dinner, I started to tear because I somehow thought that if I were to marry this man I might never have Korean food again, or speak my native language. As the relationship got more serious, so was the notion that I might somehow have to forfeit my own Korean-ness if I were to stay with this man. I constantly wrestled with the question of what I was standing to lose if I became married to a Caucasian? Even if he was not Korean, at least being Asian would be better – Chinese would suffice.

Initially, I did not tell my parents about my boyfriend. Why create a battle over something that might not even last? On top of that, I am the oldest of three daughters and I knew that I had to serve as the role model for my younger sisters. And yet my relationship with this “white” guy was going wonderfully and I knew eventually we were going to have to face the parents. About a month prior to this planned meeting I broke the news to my parents that I was dating this great man. The first question out of their mouth was whether he was Korean or not. I evaded the question and began to describe his dynamic Christian faith and virtuous behavior. My parents were Christians and so I thought they would consider it of upmost important that my boyfriend was Christian as well. Unfazed by his religious affiliation they resumed their first line of questioning – was this boyfriend Korean? I proceeded to elaborate about how he was a man of character and intelligence. I proudly told them he was working on his Ph.D. I figured for sure this would win them over because Koreans (like several Asian cultures) prize education. No luck, my parents did not budge, they simply repeated their first question, yet much louder – was this boyfriend Korean? I shook my head to say no and they insisted that I end this relationship immediately.

I was downcast but not shocked; I figured my parents would respond in this manner. All my life I was instructed that a good Korean daughter marries a good Korean son. Taking matters into their own hands, my parents immediately set me up on a date with a young Korean doctor who was in search of a proper Korean wife. Begrudgingly I went on the blind date but had a miserable time. There was absolutely no connection and no mutuality of interests or values. For me the experience helped solidify what I was looking for: someone who shared my dreams and visions for ministry; someone of character and passion; a partner who would follow Christ unswervingly… if only he could be Korean!

With this experience behind me, I prepared for the day my white boyfriend was to meet my traditional Korean parents. To say that the meeting was difficult is to make an enormous understatement. Initially, my father did not even acknowledge his presence. After about an hour he finally confronted my boyfriend with a harsh and uninviting question: “So, do you have name?” As if he was some homeless stranger off the street. At least the silence was broken. From there the heat only increased as my boyfriend was grilled mercilessly. At one point my uncle came over to lecture me about the abhorrent behavior of Caucasian men. According to my uncle, the white man will not be faithful and will certainly leave me for another woman. He will look down on me and whatever kids we have will not be “pure” and will surely suffer ostracism from the outside world. Even my own character will be called into question as Korean women who marry Caucasians are always seen as a disgrace. All this was said in the presence of my boyfriend who could not interpret the exact words but clearly understood the body language of my uncle. Despite the ugliness of these words, my boyfriend and I remained calm.

In the end, I bypassed the advice of my parents and uncle and stayed the course with my boyfriend turned fiancé turned husband. The main turning point for me came when I recognized that this notion of losing my own culture (my Korean-ness) was not really what was going to happen. In fact, I could retain my Korean-ness and in the process of becoming united with my husband, we would together forge a new culture that integrated our combined values and beliefs. And this new culture would be reflective of God’s Kingdom culture where our allegiance to Christ would supersede our own cultural paradigms. A great switch occurred in my mind; where once I was lamenting all the negatives of being with a non-Korean, I could now entertain numerous opportunities to participate in a wonderfully new union that reflected God’s desire for His creation to drop old boundaries and embrace wonderfully new possibilities. In short, my husband and I feel as if our marriage affords us a daily taste of God’s Kingdom community. What was once the biggest obstacle has now become a wonderful blessing.

Finally, it is one thing to be mindful of the cultural differences that occur in a mixed marriage. Your expectations and perspectives will certainly be different. And yet, it is quite another thing to recognize the personality differences between two people regardless of their cultural background. Whether someone is extroverted and a feeler as opposed to being introverted and a thinker actually becomes more of a day to day issue than someone’s cultural default settings. We have found in our marriage that most often our “differences” are personality differences as opposed to cultural differences. How we communicate, how we express our needs, how we solve problems and form our priorities is more often a result of our temperament and personality composition than whether we are Korean or Caucasian. This discovery has been very important for us as we mature and as we counsel other younger couples, regardless of whether they represent a mixed marriage.

Elizabeth Lee is a volunteer with Eagles Communications. She has a Masters in Divinity and Inter-cultural Studies from the United States. She loves exchanging theological insights and ideas as well as exploring culinary treats.