Being single is a growing social trend in Singapore and in many urban centers of the world. In 2008, there were more Singapore citizens aged 30-34 who were single (40.8% for men and 29.4% for women) than a decade ago (33.3% and 21.6%).¹ Joining the growing number of those who have never been married are those who have divorced or whose spouses have died.

Not being committed in a marital relationship should not deprive anyone from enjoying life to the hilt or from meaningful relationships. Our hearts should be filled with joy when we are engaged in life affirming friendships. Our existence should be imbued with purpose and meaning when our lives intersect with others. Fulfillment comes to us when we do not revolve around ourselves, and when we are able to give ourselves to others, to meeting others’ needs and making life worth the living for them.

We can cultivate an attractive personality and nurture a generous spirit that others will be drawn to. We have to look inside our souls to begin the transformation. Christian Dior once said there is no such thing as an ugly woman; there are only those who do not know how to make themselves attractive.

Cultivating Inner Beauty requires us to leverage on our innate strengths. All of us have handicaps – some visible, but mostly invisible. If we focus on our weaknesses, we will be defined by them. Nobody wants to be engaged in a social exchange with us if all we can offer are our liabilities. Even the most marginalized among us will have positive attributes we can bring to enrich others. If we are made in the image of our Creator, then even the most marred visage will bear redemptive features of our Maker. If we listen to the voice in our heads echoing imagined societal rejection, we would always think we are not good enough, or handsome/pretty enough, or smart enough. We would shrivel when we are in the company of others, and not be able to hone our abilities or allow our charisma to emanate. Instead we should pursue our interests in a focused way, so we will always have a conversation topic and we will probably be more enthusiastic on the subject, thus exuding a passion that can be appealing.

It is important to relax when we are interacting with others, to be naturally interested in others rather than be self-absorbed. There is no need to be anxious about being interesting or outstanding in social gatherings. Being overly self conscious is a turn-off. It is frequently mistaken for being arrogant and aloof. But to be genuinely interested in others, to find points of identification in their lives is to invite others into your heart. To be able to respect others, sincerely desiring to learn something from others’ experience is to accord them esteem. And, the rule of thumb is, respect begets respect.

Expanding Our Capacity For Feelings helps us adapt to different social situations. It enables us to accept diversity in our interactions, keeps our hearts and minds open, not making assumptions or conclusions about people who are different from us. G.K. Chesterton once said, “The world will not starve for want of wonders, but only for want of wonder.” To wonder is to engage both the mind and the heart. The mind has to be open while the heart has to expand its capacity to be awed.

For too many of us, we approach new situations and people with a measure of caution and suspicion. We are not ready to trust or open our hearts. No one wants to be manipulated or misled. In so doing, we sieve out positive experiences as well. Men tend to be more impervious to feelings of warmth and acceptance. They delude themselves into thinking they are more rational when their capacity for feelings is narrow. Unless we expand our emotional range, we will never be swept by the sense of wonder, exhilaration and joyful surprise.

Not only must we expand our emotional capacity to receive but we must also put feet to feelings. In other words, we need to learn how to articulate positive feelings in appropriate, sincere, and affirming ways. It is selfish and boorish not to be spontaneous in expressing appreciation, gratitude, and affirmation when we have been recipients of grace and generosity. Honest gratitude springs from the depths of one’s heart. It goes beyond the mind to merely do the “politically or socially correct” thing; it has to come from the heart that is touched by thoughtful and gracious deeds.

The most winsome people I know have the ability to draw out what is deep in the hearts of the people they interact with. They are warm and inviting, making it evident there is room in their hearts for us. They give full attention when we are expressing ourselves, providing a safe sanctuary in their hearts for our wounded spirits, ready to toast to our success or enter into our delirious joy. Empathy is the precious gift of a heart that has the expanded capacity for the feelings of others.

Are there really such charmers in real life? Most of these swinging winners I know have experienced a grace so deep in their lives they are able to Hang their Hangups. Their invisible handicaps have to do with the cards they have been dealt in life. Like us, they cannot choose their looks or physical attributes. They did not choose their parents or families, or any of the pathologies that came with their family names. Some have deep regrets in their lives over wrong decisions, wrong company or downright unfortunate circumstances. But, they have drunk so deeply from the fountain of grace that their past is redeemed and the venom of anger, resentment, and bitterness is drained. Instead they choose to move on and not let their painful past or their fear of the future rob them of the present. They choose to live life to the full!

Grace does not only empty the poison, it fills up with love, hope, and joy. Contagious enthusiasm cannot run on an empty tank. It takes love to look beyond the pain, hope to go beyond the fears, and joy to overcome the disappointments in life. Only grace from God can bear the weight of life. Once experienced, one’s soul is uplifted until it gives way to outward expressions of rumbustious joy that is genuinely spontaneous, winsomely heartwarming, and alluringly gracious. Would such a swinging single not be attractive, or someone we would aspire to be?

Peter Chao is the Founder-President of Eagles Communications.

References:
1 Department of Statistics, Ministry of Trade & Industry, Singapore. “Population in Brief: 2009.”