As a Justice of the Peace and Master Mediator, Mrs Chia Swee Tin has had the honor and privilege to serve and mediate for individuals and couples in family and marital disputes at the Family Court, Subordinate Court, Tribunal Maintenance for the Parents, and EMCC (Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre). Acting in her capacity as the Justice of the Peace, Mrs Chia is a well sought after solemnizer known for her personable, warm and lively personality and meaningful ceremonies.

As a mediator, she witnessed the anguish of those overwhelmed by the challenges of marriage. Often, she walked with them and referred them to the counseling professionals for appropriate help. As a solemnizer, she has spent many weekends over the past six years officiating marriages and witnessing couples begin their married life on a memorable and positive note.

Eagles VantagePoint seized the opportunity and invited Mrs Chia to share her thoughts and heartbeat with us.

We understand that it is not common practice for a wedding solemnizer to meet up and chat with couples prior to the wedding ceremony, but you make it a point to. Can you share with us your motivation for doing so?

Licensed solemnizers receive cold calls from couples to conduct their wedding ceremonies. I find it more meaningful to meet and put names to the faces of the couple to be wedded and hold them “captives” to the things I like to share with them on marriage.

Besides going through the logistics, I see it as due diligence on my part to ensure that the couple understands the commitment they are entering into. Matrimony is a gift to protect life together – a duty to live responsibly, reverently, not carelessly, lightly or selfishly – long and short. Wedding is not marriage.

I think it is also because I see the unpleasant side of marital relationships in mediation work. These often resulted from marriages built on weak foundations and poorly managed conflicts during the time the couple lived together, which could have been addressed early through proper grounding and appropriate early interventions. I’m a firm believer in good marriage preparation programs.

What do you do in your encounter with the couples you are to solemnize?

My chats with the couples are brief. It is not my prerogative to give a long discourse on marriage – that’s very “K-Kiang!” (colloquial for being a smart alec). It is not to declare them as being suited or not suited for each other or on their readiness for marriage. It is more of a reality check with them on the subject.

My favorite lines to “frighten” them are: “Marriage is HARD!” and “Marriage needs WORK to keep the glow!” Don’t get me wrong, I am pro-marriage – The institution of marriage is beautiful. There’s no mistake – Adam was for Eve, and Eve for Adam. God is the Matchmaker.

I emphasize attending marriage preparation class, of which the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports heavily subsidizes, and also the need to seek professionals for assistance in their inevitable marital struggles. It’s sad that most of the time, married people seek help too late. I quote Aristotle, who said that the heart when stabbed, bleeds profusely and is fatal more often than not.

Based on your experiences, what do you think are some topics to cover for a marriage preparation class?

Different churches, religious organizations, family service centers or counseling centers run such programs. The sessions are conducted either in a small group, with individual couples, or a combination of both. I personally prefer one-on-one sessions as more work can be done on a deeper level for the individuals represented.

Personality profiling is also very helpful. We can use the results reflected as a platform to talk about their colorful differences. Values will unfold in the process – belief systems, faith, expectations, communication styles, etc. These subject matters provide the couple the opportunity to hold facilitated conversation with a professional. This is excellent in helping to uncover the couple’s “difficult” conversations which could have been subconsciously swept under the carpet to be surfaced for open discussion. For example, in one session, the subject on pornography was raised by the bride to be who was not comfortable with it and took the opportunity to bring this issue to light. It turned out to be a good session because the guy was also very open to talking about it, which was unexpected for her. And that is excellent because they highlighted this issue instead of avoiding it. And it helps that there is a professional – a facilitator to help them sort out some things. I also encourage my couples to bring up similar, sensitive issues in whichever one-on-one marriage preparation sessions they attend.

Relevant issues like finances and in-laws (a topic especially important for couples who are staying with their in-laws) should also be discussed. Sex is also an important topic. Very often, sex is used for the gratification of one party or as a weapon in conflict. To quote my beloved husband’s illustration, he laments that the marriage vow is like a “water contract” whereby the spouse can only quench his/her thirst from the married partner and no one else. Sex is like God’s gift of water – it is a biological need that should never be denied, or worse, to be used as a weapon of attack, especially in marital disputes.

What are some common concerns of engaged couples in this modern day? Do you think there is a difference in their values compared to couples twenty to thirty years ago?

I observe that engaged couples seem more concerned about dollars and cents. It seems to revolve around money and career – not surprising in our pragmatic society. Couples think that they have found a soulmate in each other, but in reality, what they have found is a business partner. Interestingly also, their concern is not so much about having children. This issue does not seem to surface much. If the couple is older, they may think about how to start a family. But for younger couples, this is an issue I do not encounter often.

Regarding difference in values, it is sad to talk about this topic. I feel that my husband and I did not have many expectations then compared to the intelligent couples now. We naively got married, got our kids, and raised them. We did it all by grace! I am proud to tell you now that we are married for a good 38 years with no change of partner!

Can you suggest some important factors that are needed to sustain a relationship for the long haul?

The mutual faith – a religion – is an important element in a couple’s relationship – it has definitely been the case in my marriage. They say a family that prays together stays together. There is a lot of truth in that exercise. We need to recognize that marital difficulties are a sure encounter; marital dissatisfaction is inevitable. When a couple fights at a human level, it can never be at a level where it is fairer than before a God who knows all and is above all! My favorite line to my beloved: “I’m not afraid of you; I’m afraid of God!”

Exchange of vocabulary – Ephesians 4:26 is a sound counsel to embrace at all times. Watch our vocabulary with our partner. As I mentioned earlier, Aristotle said that a hit on the head may give rise to a concussion but a stab in the heart is fatal. That is so true! As couples go about their daily lives, they “stab” each other with unkind words and deeds, leaving one another to bleed, eventually killing the marriage but keeping the form! Words can heal, but words can also kill!

Expectation – Expecting too much from a partner/a marriage is another roadblock to achieving a satisfying, sustained relationship. Read Helping Couples Change where Richard Stuart writes, “The couple who would strive for perfection in their marriage has taken their first steps toward divorce and despair.”

When do you think is the right time to get married?

It’s not so simple to put a chronological order to a relationship development, especially so with regards to matters of the heart. Human relationships are intricate and complicated.

To answer the question, I guess the right time is when the couple is completely confident and sure, ready and prepared for the commitment they are entering. They’re the best people to answer the pertinent question. The time is indeed determined by the depth of the relationship, and that is not age related for sure!

I have had couples cancel weddings a week before the set date, after all the arrangements have been made, wedding invitations sent out, and the guest list confirmed! There was one who called off the pompous wedding by the beach on the eve of the ceremony, forfeiting the handsome down payment made to the restaurant for the occasion!

Educated couples these days fear getting into a situation where they find great difficulty getting out. This fear is understandable when divorce is so prevalent that almost one in three marriages in Singapore end in divorce. Divorce is happening closer to home – to our senior parents (!), siblings, and close friends. As the success of a good marriage is getting remote, sadly, people are becoming less confident about the success of sustaining their relationship.

Sometimes couples find that when they are so close to marriage, it is very hard to fight temptation – sexual temptations especially. Can you comment on that?

In this age of globalization, it is very easy for individuals to encounter sexual temptation. Christians and non-Christians alike are subjected to this enticement. Realistically, many Christians have already engaged in sexual activities before marriage. The couple has to be very deliberate in their relationship and keep it very chaste. For believers, we know we are accountable to God. It is because we love God and want to be obedient that we are often able to overcome the temptations. Some couples have mentor-couples who walk alongside with them even after marriage. I’ll like to see more stepping forward for such roles!