Know Yourself

To be responsibly decisive about sexual activity requires self-awareness. First, you need to know your own body. How you feel about your body will have been influenced by the kind of touch and affirmation you received growing up. It is vital that you understand how your body works, what your needs are, how frequently you feel sexual urges, what kind of touch you desire, and how all dimensions of your sexuality converge to express the sexual you.

It is important also to know your emotions. You may have grown up in a home where you learned to keep your feelings very much to yourself. If so, you do not find it comfortable to have others express their emotions, nor are you eager to share yours. Or you may have learnt a style that is open and expressive. In fact, you need openness to feel trust.

As you are making the choice about sexual behavior, you must understand your emotional needs in relation to that choice. How can you make your choice work for you, given who you are emotionally?

Know your value system

What do you believe? What is important to you? How do you feel about sharing your body with another person? You are responsible for your body. You are the one who can decide when and to what degree you want to share it.

Whether you were taught growing up that sex outside of marriage is sinful, or whether that is a new belief for you, or whether you believe that rule does not apply to you today, it is essential that you come to peace with your beliefs. It may be helpful to test them with your Christian community and the Bible. The decision you make has to be congruent with what you believe.

You cannot count on anyone else at that particular moment. God’s Spirit can be with you and give you strength, but you have to want His Spirit there as you struggle with your powerful urge. Single Christians need to be clear about their values and date only people who have similar values. Otherwise, they will find themselves pulled to be different than who they are. A split value system tends to cause havoc within individuals (especially long term), as they try to live out two sets of beliefs that cannot fit together.

Know your limits

We are often asked by single adults, “How far is it ok to go?” We refuse to set the standard, other than the biblical one of intercourse within marriage (1 Cor 7:1-2; 1 Thess 4:3-7; Heb 13:4; Mt 15:18-20; Eph 5:3; and 1 Cor 6:9).

Once you accept the biblical calling, you need to decide the level of involvement that will allow you to live a life consistent with your beliefs. That decision must be based upon clearly defined values, knowledge of your body’s sexual responses, sexual-emotional awareness, and a discerning understanding of the levels of sexual involvement. These levels are:

Hand holding and hugging
Polite kissing
Total mouth kissing
Intense, passionate hugging
Full-body rubbing with clothes on
Breast stimulation over clothes
Genital stimulation over clothes
Breast stimulation under clothes
Genital stimulation under clothes
Full-body pleasuring, no clothes
Oral/Genital stimulation
Sexual stimulation to orgasm
Intercourse

When beliefs and behaviors conflict, guilt becomes linked with sexual arousal. This causes problems later in marriage because guilt and risk may then be needed to become aroused. So, for both emotional and spiritual well-being, your sexual decisions must reflect your spiritual and biblical standards.

Know your strengths and weaknesses

We all gain strength from a variety of sources. You may be someone who needs enough sleep and regular exercise to function properly. Know that drugs and alcohol reduce your capacity to say no. You may find great strength in being together with other people who have commitments similar to yours – a Bible study, prayer or support group, a group with a mission, or an athletic, artistic, or political group. It is vital to know where you get your strength and what causes weakness. A source of strength for many individuals is a commitment to be accountable to one another regarding sexual behavior.