Boundaries In Dating
By Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend (Zondervan)

I do not usually make bold statements, but for this book I will make an exception: “Go get it!” Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend, authors of the Gold Medallion Book Award winning Boundaries, wrote Boundaries In Dating with the hope of offering a “wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating process.”  The premise of the book is that dating in itself is not harmful. As long as it is done in a responsible way between two mature people within set boundaries, they believe that it can be an activity that allows the individual to “increase their abilities to find and commit to a marriage partner.”

Growing up, whenever the topic of dating was brought up in church, it was often painted in a negative light. We were taught that either dating was a direct path to heartaches, or that we should just wait for the “right” one that God will provide for us. Most of us back then did not heed the well-intended advice – it just did not appeal to us. There might have been much heartache, but I think that it will be safe to say that we learned a lot about ourselves and that it helped us to mature into who we are today. It was the unguided, immature form of dating that was leading to heartaches. If we had this book back then, much of that anguish could have possibly been prevented.

The book is filled with much practical advice on topics like “Dating won’t cure a lonely heart,” or “Don’t fall in love with someone you wouldn’t be friends with.” However, these topics in themselves did not capture my attention as much as two very simple points that leapt out from the stories that the authors shared in the book: namely, the importance of having good character and of having a wonderful support network.

In the first part of the book, the authors dealt with the internal issues of the individual, laying out the reasons why the individual should work on themselves before starting to date. They advocate that we need to build a strong foundation towards maturity, character, and most importantly, a relationship with God. I strongly agree with this point. Too often, we are so focused on the external issues that we fail to realize that we must first get our own lives in order. Only then can we make wise decisions and set safe boundaries within which we can date in a manner that allows us to learn more about ourselves and is also pleasing to God.

It is the second point that I learnt from the book which really impacted my thinking. Often, our approach to helping a younger person with the issue of dating is to buy a “dating” book, and then hope and pray that the person will read it and somehow escape heartache. I realized this is not the right way. Dating should not be done in a bubble involving just two parties. There is a great need for a strong support network for the individuals involved – to help develop a strong character foundation in the early stages of life which will be beneficial for the dating stages later when they need to make sound decisions and practice accountability.

If you feel that this book is just for losers in the dating game, think again. There are many insights that benefit anyone who is on the dating journey and encourage the enhancement of relationships in a safe and enjoyable way.

In conclusion, the next time I am asked to recommend a book for a young person on dating, I will suggest that they buy two copies of this book: one for the young person and one for themselves. As a mentor, going through this book together with the young person is a wonderful opportunity to guide him or her to date within God’s parameters without diluting the fun aspect, avoiding the pitfalls, and cultivating the ability to make sound decisions in choosing and maintaining a relationship with a potential life partner.

Lek Sze Chieh is the Business Development Executive at SKS Books Warehouse and he worships at Covenant Evangelical Free Church, Singapore. He loves reading books that challenge his understanding and enjoys torturous workouts at the gym.