Life used to be uncomplicated. Sexuality for the single person was clearly defined: after high school, you went to university and by the time you were twenty or twenty-one, you would have picked out the man or woman of your dreams. Then you marry and did what your parents had done: work, start a family, and establish yourself in a job or location. Right was right, and wrong was wrong – and everyone knew the difference. There was no hazy morality. What was expected of the single Christian was clear.

Our world is no longer that simple. Television has brought a variety of lifestyles right into our living rooms. Birth control has radically reduced the fear of having an illegitimate or unwanted child. Many Christian singles are actively and often openly sexually involved.

Not only have moral and technological changes occurred but the social structure has changed radically, too. We are no longer as oriented around family, church or community as we once were. There has also been a significant increase in the number of women working and the capability of the women to function fully equal with a man. It is clearly possible for a woman to get along without a man. In addition, there are more single women than there are men who are eligible for marriage. More single people are choosing to put off marriage, so the stigma of singleness is diminishing. All of these factors force us to take a fresh look at the subject of being single.

Who is this single person?

Describing today’s single is no simpler than describing today’s complex world. There are those who see themselves as temporarily single. This is the under-25 age group of singles who graduate from high school, go off to work or college, and expect to be raising a family of their own. Many of the 25 to 35 range are focusing on professional goals without greater thought or emphasis on marriage. Then there are those singles who intend to marry, but never did. These people can range all the way from their late 20s to the mid 70s or older. The never-married group also includes some who chose the celibate life to give their energy to the call of God. Those who are single as the result of divorce also make up a large portion of the single world. There are many variations within the divorced group. For example, there may be the young woman of 22 whose abusive marriage lasted only eight months. She got out of the marriage and feels rather scarred, but she has her whole life before her. On the other hand, the divorce group may include the 38 year old husband whose wife left him with three kids. Now he is trying to be the mother, father, and breadwinner as well. Still others may be divorced for 15 or 20 years with no desire to remarry. Other couples lived together until the kids were through university and married, and then got a divorce as a statement of how unfulfilling life had been for them during those family-raising years. The single group also includes those who are single because of the death of a beloved spouse.

Sexual experience, viewpoints, and needs vary greatly for singles. Thus, it is important as we look at singleness and sexuality that we consider all variations, recognizing that there is no one simple answer that is applicable to all circumstances.

Painting the Singles Scene

There is an ever-increasing gap between the time when a young person’s body is ready for sexual activity and the time when marriage is likely to occur.

Many of us encourage couples to wait until their mid-twenties to marry because the statistics show that younger marriages have a higher incidence of divorce. This makes sense. We change a great deal after leaving the parental home. This dilemma (of the body being ready for sexual activity but educational and societal influences pushing marriage later) leaves many young adults with 10 to 15 years of sexual readiness before marriage. While sexual urges are at their peak, there is no acceptable outlet.

Let us underscore the reality and vitality of every person’s sexuality. We are sexual beings even before birth. Our body functions sexually right from birth – a newborn boy has his first erection within minutes after birth and a baby girl has her first vaginal lubrication within hours after birth. As we move beyond puberty, we feel natural physical attraction to the opposite sex. That is how God designed us, so there is no way that we can be single and not be sexual. We are sexual, and that sexuality is confirmed not only by our physiology but also by our emotions and by our spirits.

Obviously, the single person has to take responsibility for how he or she expresses that sexuality. Conception, infection, and detection used to be the controls on a single’s sexual activity. All three of these controls have changed radically. The easy availability of birth-control methods, especially the pill, has drastically altered the dating structure. Next, while the moral attitudes about premarital sex may still be endorsed in our homes, churches or society, modern birth control provides the possibility of private involvement without the fear of pregnancy. It requires a conscious choice on the single person’s part to be sexually active. That is a difficult decision for singles who believe sex outside of marriage is wrong. Thus, about 85% of first-time sexual experiences of single people are unplanned for. Since they do not consciously decide that they are ready for sexual intercourse, the couple proceeds unprotected, often resulting in unwanted pregnancy. The conflict between sexual drives, social standards, and moral convictions keeps the person from actively confronting the decision of sexual behavior.

Infection is back in the picture in a deadly way. The incidence of sexually transmitted diseases rises every year and is usually contracted outside of marriage. There is no cure for herpes and AIDS and the tedious, expensive medical process of eradicating precancerous genital warts can be life-changing. Thus the thinking single person has to be much more cautious.

With the mobility and fragmentation of our society, “getting caught” while having intercourse is seldom an issue. Young people are often home by themselves for extended periods of time while both parents are working. After high school, most young people live apart from their families in unrestricted settings and are free to make their own sexual choices without detection.

While detection and conception are losing their power as sexual controls, society saturates the single person with sexuality. Media promote an easy acceptance of not only sexual enticement, but also of sexual activity. The apparent openness and freedom surrounding sexuality should imply greater knowledge, and bode well for healthy sexual adjustments in later years. But it does not.

Since the Christian community is part of the world in which we live, its sexual practices for singles have changed as radically as those in society. Our research among single adult groups has confirmed what others reported: Sexual intercourse is an activity that many single Christians choose. This is occurring much more frequently than was true in times past.

The Frustration of Being Single

The lack of physical, sexual fulfillment without the marriage commitment is an ongoing frustration for the single person of any age. There is a natural urge in each of us to connect in a vital way with another person, and when fulfilling that urge is limited or totally absent, frustration occurs. Finding ways to minimize this frustration is an ongoing struggle for many single people. If you feel continually frustrated physically, we encourage you to look at your life and see what you are doing that promotes this frustration. Do you spend time watching or reading sexually explicit material? That will certainly feed your frustration. Are you physically involved with a partner, getting highly aroused without orgasm or intercourse? This will also create physical frustration. Is your life empty, leaving you time to become obsessed with your sexual drives? Is self-stimulation an option? Obviously there is a limit and degree of fulfillment possible with oneself. Yes, an orgasm may be possible, but it may still leave you hungry for the intimacy of a relationship.

This lack of emotional intimacy is a common frustration for the single person. Every person needs the experience of close, vital, and meaningful relationships with parents, brothers, sisters, friends, persons of the same and opposite sex. In adulthood, most of us need the additional bonding of intimacy with one person of the opposite sex. Not only do single adults feel frustrations about sexual fulfillment and lack of emotional intimacy, they also may feel the frustration of not having a place in society. Most of society is designed for married people and families. Thus, it is not surprising that many single adults feel unaccepted by their communities. The same thing happens in the church where the great majority of the people on the roster will be married. Single people often feel out of place and isolated with the other singles – away from the larger church family.

Being sexually active does not eliminate that sense of being alone within the social structure. In addition, you may live with the ongoing agony of guilt. The biblical expectation and guideline is rather clear: Sexual intercourse is reserved for marriage. If you are a believer and you desire to live by the standards of the Scriptures, then it is inevitable that you will struggle as you actively choose to go against what you believe. All of this frustration calls loudly for a decision.

Make a Decision: The Options

First, let us consider the choices single adults are making. Then we will look at how you can go about making your decision.

Choice 1: Deny your sexual feelings
This may be one of the easiest choices to make, even though the long-term consequences are quite severe. All of us were created as sexual beings. To deny this is to close down a vital dimension of ourselves. Long-term, we risk the consequence of being unable to rekindle those feelings when it is time to do so in marriage.

It is not uncommon for the young person who has either been raised in an emotionally/sexually unexpressive home to be unaware of sexual feelings. The single person who is intensely sexual may shut off those feelings because their power is frightening. Such a person may behave and feel as if he or she had no sexual feelings. This choice is understandable, but its detrimental consequences far outweigh its benefits.

We have worked with these consequences in young married couples who have no desire for one another. Sometimes one or both spouses report that they chose the route of denying their sexual feelings, believing this is what God wanted them to do before they were married. They had not separated their actions from their feelings. To be able to remain virgins, they had chosen to be asexual, only to discover, as they moved into marriage, that they continued to be asexual. The pain and the sense of being shortchanged are very powerful for these people because they had operated on the belief that if they did not let themselves be sexual before marriage, God would bless them with a free and abundant sexual life after marriage.

Sexuality does not work this way. It is an innate appetite, just like hunger. People can control how much they eat, just as they can control their sexual behavior. But when they shut down their appetites for food they become anorexic; likewise, if they turn off their sexual feelings, they become sexually apathetic. And this apathy sometimes continues beyond the point when they say “I do.”

Be on the lookout for the denial of sexual feelings. Any couple moving toward marriage who has decided not to engage in sexual intercourse before marriage should experience that decision to maintain boundaries as a struggle. If it is not, you should take a long hard look at yourselves and the relationship. In a close, loving relationship, abstinence should be a battle. Every ounce of our beings urges us toward sexual union. If you are not aware of this urge, you may have denied your sexual feelings so long that it will be difficult for you to revive them. This will cause stress in your marriage – sometimes marriage breaking stress.

Choice 2: Innocent involvement
Innocent involvement may grow out of ineffective attempts to deny sexual feelings or from failing to actively decide not to act on the feelings. If you are unable to accept your sexuality and yet continually find yourself going beyond your sexual limits, you set yourself up for involvement beyond your readiness. The sequence usually goes something like this: You meet a nice person and begin some casual, and then more serious contact. You innocently send off many warm and inviting messages with no intention of acting upon them. You let yourself get into situations – in a car, apartment or even a motel – all the time convincing yourself that this is just a friendly contact that has no sexual purpose or intent.

As time together progresses, physical involvement also increases. You find yourself carried along, either by the urges in your body or your partner’s body, and you end up making love. When it is all over, the rush of guilt and remorse is overwhelming. You commit to yourself and each other that you will never do this again. You ask each other’s and God’s forgiveness. But two weeks later, you find yourself in identical circumstances.

The consequences of this pattern are very severe. First of all, since you cannot get yourself to plan for it, no birth-control measures are taken, so you risk the chance of pregnancy. Second, since you did not “intend” to do this, you do not provide yourself with the privacy that you need to really relax and enjoy it. Third, since involvement is not your intention, you develop a pattern of always connecting sexual activity with high risk. Later on in married life, you may still need risk as part of your sexual experience to help you get the desired response of excitement. Fourth, you violate your own standards, and thus violate yourself. You experience guilt and the chronic internal ache that it brings. This sets you up for a future in which you may need to feel guilt as part of your sexual arousal. Fifth, you may experience guilt in relation to God. If you are a Christian with a commitment to reserve sexual intercourse for marriage, then each time you violate that standard you will not only feel guilt in relation to yourself but also to God. Soon God and your sexuality become mutually exclusive. Innocent involvement is one of the most irresponsible and destructive patterns; it often leads to negative consequences later in marriage.

Choice 3: Chosen involvement
Some couples actively choose to complete their relationship with sexual intercourse, even though sex outside of marriage contradicts biblical teaching. They work to make peace with their standards and beliefs. They prepare for their sexual times together. They behave as if they were married. Those who choose to have sexual intercourse before marriage, yet accept the Bible as their standard for Christian living, often live with dissonance between their beliefs and their behavior. Couples may bypass many other stages of intimacy if they jump into a total, sexual relationship. There may be a sense of vulnerability and insecurity without the trust-building commitment of marriage. There is no data to suggest that sex before marriage is an indication of how sex will be after marriage. Obedience, commitment, intimacy, and trust are all essential ingredients to a long-term, happy sexual life.

Choice 4: Chosen abstinence
This is a healthy choice that fits the biblical directives on sexuality. For young people who have chosen to limit their physical involvement to general hugging and kissing is a boundary that is difficult but possible because it is consistent with where they are emotionally and developmentally.

We can attest that abstinence before marriage is possible. It is not a barrier to a fulfilling sexual life in marriage. For the thirty year olds who already have been active sexually, either unmarried or in marriage, and then choose abstinence, the internal pressure can be almost impossible. Once the floodgates of sexuality have been opened, incredible inner strength is required to hold back these urges. We know couples, however, who have been able to maintain abstinence after being sexually involved, and have done so joyfully.

When abstinence is the chosen route, it is important to plan for that. Do not set yourselves up to test the limits. Focus on all dimensions of the relationship. Emphasize activities and settings that are not tempting. Learn to enjoy physical intimacy within clearly defined limits that both of you respect.

Choice 5: Celibacy as a lifestyle
In 1 Corinthians 7:8-9; 32-38, the Apostle Paul talks about the calling of celibacy. There is an important distinction to make between the lifestyles of chosen celibacy and chosen abstinence. Celibacy is for those who experience themselves as being called by God to stay single in order to serve humankind. It is very different from abstaining from sexual intercourse until marriage. The apostle is saying that if you have your sexual desires well under control, and feel the distinct calling of God to serve, and you have an outlet for that calling, then celibacy may be your choice. They are people who choose a lifestyle of subjugating their sexual energy and channeling it into outlets of service. Very few manage this well, but it is clearly one of the options.

Those are the choices. There may be some variations of these basic options, but every single person will roughly fit into one of these categories. Some singles may find themselves in a situation not by choice. This is indeed a trying circumstance and you need to make a decision about how you will make the most of who you are as a sexual person, given the reality of your situation.

Dr Clifford and Joyce Penner are internationally recognized sexual therapists, educators, and authors. Clifford, a clinical psychologist, earned an M.A. in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary and holds a PhD from Fuller’s Graduate School of Psychology. Joyce, a registered nurse, holds a master’s degree in psychosomatic nursing and nursing education from UCLA, and is currently Associate Pastor of Congregational Life at Lake Avenue Church in Pasadena. They have authored nine books including Sex Facts for the Family from which the extract of this article is taken. In addition to conducting sex education and sexual enhancement seminars, the Penners specialize in sexual therapy at their clinic – Clifford & Joyce Penner and Associates in Pasadena, California.