Brokenness can come about in a person’s life through physical, spiritual, emotional or mental experiences. One of the most well-known Bible characters associated with brokenness must be Job. This great man of God went through all the areas of brokenness and yet “in all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing” (Job 1:22). King David’s cry to God in his brokenness, when he committed adultery with Bathsheba was, “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.” He declared that, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Ps 51:1,17). Job experienced brokenness not through his own doing like King David. Job’s brokenness came about as a result of circumstances in his life that were not within his control.

I, like Job, through no fault of my own, had to live with brokenness in my youth. I was born the eldest of 12 brothers and sisters to poor parents. My father was constantly unemployed and my mother was consistently pregnant! I vividly remembered how hungry I was at meal times. Whatever little food there was on the table – it was a case of he who eats fast eats more! It is of little surprise that my wife and children today complain that I eat at the same rate of speed, although better times have come.

During my childhood days, we lived in various shacks with rent as low as three dollars a month. I remember living in a shack built around a mango tree. Every once in a while, a mango would fall on the roof and we children would scramble to collect the fruit to fill our hungry tummies! Once a tree snake fell from the tree and the snake slithered into our shack. We ran out of the shack at a speed that even Usain Bolt will be proud of!

Most of my siblings and I were “home delivered,” that is, we were born at home. When my mother had contractions, my unemployed father would ride his dilapidated bicycle to fetch the family midwife who happened to be a really plump woman. I can still visualize my poor skinny father, with the fat midwife riding pillion and my father huffing and puffing away to bring her to deliver yet another brother or sister! The mean streak in me says, “That is your punishment for being so productive!”

Every year, all of us children would receive from my father twenty-cents in red packets* for Chinese New Year. One year, he was so broke that he did not have $2.40 to make twelve twenty-cents red packets or even $1.20 to make twelve ten-cents. My mum said that it was the first time she saw my father cry, for he was heartbroken. That night, he racked his brains as to what to do. Suddenly, he had a creative idea to solve his dilemma. He took a piece of red paper, cut out twelve “hearts” and slotted each paper heart into the red packets. This is a real case of “Necessity is the Mother of Invention!”

The next morning, my brothers and sisters were excitedly lined up (with me right in front – as eldest), looking forward to receiving the precious twenty cents in our red packets. Imagine our great disappointment when we opened up the red packets to find a heart-shaped piece of red paper inside. What my father gave that year was the most precious gift of all – he gave to each one of us a piece of his heart! My greatest regret was that every one of us threw away “his heart.” On hindsight, how touching it will be, in remembrance of him (my father went to be with the Lord in 1990), if all the twelve “paper hearts” were framed and kept as a family heirloom!

Every Chinese New Year, I would be the one to lead about seven to eight of my brothers and sisters to visit relatives so as to collect our gift of red packets to help my father meet his financial needs. Most of my relatives were in mortal fear of this bunch of eight children coming to visit them. Just imagine, in one instance they have to part with eight red packets! I remembered having arrived at an aunt’s home. I saw this aunt in her house, but when we arrived at the door, her maid informed me that my aunt was not home. She was actually hiding behind a cupboard, so we left her home empty-handed and disappointed!

Going to school was also a challenge because I had no money for recess and sometimes had to miss school because I needed twenty-cents for my bus fare. Whether I go to school or not depended on whether I could find twenty-cents in my father’s very deep trouser pocket. I remember when I was in Secondary Three, it was compulsory for students to wear long pants. My father could not afford to buy long pants, so with the principal’s permission, I wore short pants throughout my secondary school life. The trouble was when I was in Secondary Four, I was still wearing the short pants I wore in Secondary One! I should be credited with introducing “Hot Pants!”

I did history in school for my ‘O’ Levels examinations and had no money for the textbook. The textbook was “History of Southeast Asia” by Joginder Singh. When I told my father that I needed this book for my ‘O’ Levels, my father challenged me by asking me to think of a creative idea as to how to study without one! Once again, “Necessity is the Mother of Invention.” I put on my creative thinking cap and came up with a method of studying without a textbook. It is called “How to Study in Installments.” I had three friends in my class who took pity on me and loaned this history textbook to me on a rotational basis. Praise God! With their kindness, I managed to obtain a credit for this subject.

I joined the teaching profession as a trainee teacher in 1965. I had to wear my father’s long pants and his long sleeved shirt. Both the pants and shirt were too small for me, so my mother had to do some quick alterations, but I still looked ridiculous. I wore the same shirt and pants week after week for a month! For the first month as a teacher, I still had no money for recess. My colleagues were quite puzzled as to why I did not join them for breaks. It was only after I received my first pay that I bought my first shirt and my own pair of pants and also had some money for tea-breaks. I got a princely sum of $131.50 on my first memorable payday. I had to go to the Ministry of Education Pay Office at Kay Siang Road to receive my pay in cash. I trembled with excitement as I received the cash in my sweaty hands. The whole amount was surrendered to my gleeful father who duly confiscated $100 for his use and I got to keep the remaining $31.50. Praise God! Hallelujah!

After teaching for five years, I was to experience brokenness in the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF). It came as a complete shock because I was already 23 years of age and was far from the enlistment age of 18! I received an officious-looking letter from the Ministry of Defence (MINDEF) stating that they were pleased to call me up for military service. I was certainly not pleased at all! I cried out and complained to God as to why He was so unfair to me. Here I was enjoying teaching and hoping to be a principal one day and now this interruption. MINDEF explained that male teachers up to the age of 25 years were called up to serve in the SAF as English Language teachers for three years. We were to put on the SAF uniform and taught English to many dialect speaking servicemen.

I remember that fateful first day of my National Service – 24 January 1970. As I climbed aboard the military truck, I had this sinking feeling, akin to someone being sent for execution. The first day of military life was the most traumatic. We were issued our military gear, had our haircut, medical jabs, and my first taste of military food. I had never felt so depressed before. At about 4pm, we were all issued a razor blade. I thought the SAF had wanted us to commit suicide by cutting our wrists! We were led to the football field in the camp and were made to cut grass with the razor blade.

Can you imagine the humiliation I had to go through? A thought went through my mind – that just a few months ago I was a respected teacher… My students would bow low every morning to wish me a good morning and now I was a none entity, totally devoid of respect and treated with utter contempt. To say I was depressed would really be an understatement! But I was to learn later that all this was part and parcel of the way the military trains its soldiers to think and act as one… Putting aside our background, social, and economic status and learning to obey orders without questions! And also that God has a better plan for me!

By the second day, I had already resolved in my heart that I must change my attitude and that I might as well enjoy my three years in the SAF. This positive attitude helped me to get noticed by my commanders and after three months of basic training, I was given the Best Recruit Award. This Award changed my life because I was sent to Officer Cadet School for training as a Combat Officer. All my other teacher friends went on to receive the rank of Corporal and to teach English in air-conditioned classrooms. As a trainee in Officer Cadet School I had field training in the hot sun almost every day. The training was vigorous, and really taxed me mentally and physically. At some point I really regretted that I had been chosen to go for officer training. I was the recipient of many jokes from my friends for the “reward” I received for being the Best Trainee. But I had the last laugh because after one and a half years, I was commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant and my friends now had to salute me! The moral of the story is that it pays to work hard!

After my three year stint in the Singapore Armed Forces, I was persuaded to become a regular SAF Officer and I served for twenty two years, retiring with the rank of Major. Since then I have gone back to my first love… teaching. I am now a Management Trainer and a Motivational Speaker.

As I look back on my childhood, my teenage years, and as a young adult, I have gone through much brokenness, but God in His mercy and grace had given me the gift to see the humorous side of it. My dear mother who is now eighty years of age has outlived my father who most probably died of tiredness in his sixties. I believe that I caught the humorous streak from my beloved mother. Which mother today could have twelve children and still be sane! For all that I went through, I give glory to God!

*A Red Packet is an envelope that contains money and is traditionally given out by the Chinese to the younger generation for blessings of good fortune and wealth during special occasions like the Lunar New Year, weddings, and birthdays.

Jeffrey Goh is an Elder of Bethesda (Bedok-Tampines) Church in Singapore. He has been married to his wife Alice for 32 years and they have two adult children, Charmaine and Shaun.

The New International Version of the Bible has been referenced.