There is this illustration about the difference between a team of men and a team of women: When women play football and someone is injured, everyone will stop to ask how the person is and try their best to help and comfort her. When men play football and someone is injured, they will pick up the body, put it aside, and continue to play.

So the question is: Do men’s groups really operate like this? And what do men really want in a fellowship group? These questions did not cross my mind much in the past until recently when my wife’s gynecologist told us that the fellow in her womb was actually a boy and not a girl (as I was so sure of – “I can assure you that’s not the umbilical cord,” the gyne said). Soon after that, I began to think about what kind of a healthy men’s group I wanted my son to grow up in.

One key to a vibrant men’s group is to have a vision for the men to fight and live for. Why do men gravitate towards supporting certain sports teams? I venture to say that one main reason is both they and the team have a common vision of winning games, defying the odds, and clinching a championship. Similarly, a good men’s group will have some common goals that help to bond the guys together. It could be to reach out to people around them, or to grow together in an area, or to complete some task together (e.g., organizing an event). A functional men’s group will have some clearly stated vision for the members to work together to achieve; something bigger than themselves.

Another observation is that boys yearn for role models. They tend to idolize their dads or some sports, historical or fictional hero. When they grow up and become men, the role model worshipping may diminish, but it does not disappear. How else can one explain the large male crowds at speaking engagements by renowned political figures, financial leaders or even famous religious personalities? Men do admire and respect certain other men. So one of the best things we can do for men’s groups is to try and provide them with role models of good character whom younger men can look up to, imitate their lives, and get advice from. The best groups I have been in all had older men whom the younger fellows could call when something was wrong and have a good discussion even at two in the morning!

Of course, it may not always be possible to have older male role models in every group. Which leads us to the next best option for a group of men: accountability. Some of the finest small groups in history – like John Wesley’s early discipleship groups – had awesome accountability where the men could be honest with each other about their struggles, and they made sure that at the next meeting, “How has the situation been?” would be asked. Men tend to value loyalty in their companions. Just think of the camaraderie among that odd assortment of adventurers in the movie The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Male audiences appreciated the loyalty and friendship that the characters shared with one another. Similarly, accountability can help to foster such a close bonding.

However, we must remember that guys in general are not deep talkers. Most guys are just not natural about sharing their feelings, their struggles, their weaknesses, and so on. It is not (for lack of a better word) “manly.” But after years of being in church small groups, I have come to realize that men can and do need to talk about their feelings and the challenges they face. And as they do so, they will feel their suffering relieved as some other people come alongside them to help share their burdens. Some of the best moments in the men’s ministry of my church have been at weekend encounters where they shared their deepest struggles like fighting lust, challenges with their teenage children, feelings of failure, struggles with identity, etc. More often than not, men come to realize that the other men around them go through similar challenges – and everyone was waiting for someone else to share first!

If the men in a group tend not to share deeply and personally, it could be because they are not very familiar with the people in the group and need some time to open up. Or they may not yet be used to such sharing. Or, it could really be that they are indeed very, very shallow. Whatever the case, an atmosphere where men can share deeply and yet not be condemned should be encouraged. And time should be given for them to become comfortable to open up concerning the deeper areas of their lives.

Single men will also inevitably talk about women. If it is an irreligious group of men, they will sooner or later be discussing the body anatomy and facial structures of pretty girls around them. If it is a religious group of men (regardless of which religion), they will of course be more polite and refrain from discussing body structure but rather who they like or what godly qualities they prefer in a woman. So, it is my controversial belief that for a man’s group to be vibrant, an open atmosphere where a (respectful and mature) discussion on the opposite gender should be encouraged. In fact, a church group with both ladies and guys will be more likely to attract the attention and admiration of young men in the long run. This statement may irk some church pastors who do not want church small groups to degenerate into dating agencies but hey – do you want the young man in your pew looking for a life partner in your church or at the bar down the street from his office?

Last but not least, men like to have fun. For some weird reason, it helps us to bond better. Of course, I am referring to good, clean, fun. It could be a sports game like playing football with your buddies on a Sunday afternoon. Or it could involve a party where people can get to know one another, play icebreaker games, eat good food etc. I even know of one church small group where the gentlemen of the group became good buddies through playing online games that required teamwork to massacre the rival team (strangely the ladies in this particular church group were not so interested in shooting each other to a bloody demise in an online fantasy world). So a healthy men’s fellowship will have a dose of good old fashioned fun.

So I hope that helps to give everyone a better understanding of what will make a men’s group tick. Hey, if all else fails, you can always throw us a ball to chase around on an open field!

Eric Sung works as an Executive (Ministry) at Eagles Communications. He is happily married to Angeline and they are the proud owners of a refrigerator magnet that says “Do you want to talk to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what’s going on?”