As an Asian who grew up in a previous era, it seems to me there is something about a father’s approval that determines personal significance and strengthens confidence. I remember that my father was emotionally remote. I never saw him express feelings of intimacy towards my mother, which sometimes made me wonder how I came about! I only knew I desperately craved his approval. A pat on the back from him, a word of encouragement or a voice of approval was all I needed to make me feel significant and give me strength to face challenges. I felt like I always had to prove my worth to him, but nothing I did was ever enough.

The only time I ever topped my class in school was when I was 15 years old. Proud of my achievement, I handed my grade card to my dad for his signature and endorsement. He looked at my grades, pondered for what seemed like an eternity, then turned to me, “Son, what is the maximum possible?” Incredulously I replied, “100%.” “Then why is your mathematics score only 96%?” It did not matter to him that nobody else in my year at my school had better grades than I. He only saw that I did not have a perfect score! Somehow I suspect that episode has something to do with my loss of interest in mathematics, resulting in my inability to count beyond my fingers and toes today!

In the 21 years of life with my dad, there was only one time I saw him drunk. And, that was soon after my brief flirt with scholastic achievement. My dad was not violent when drunk; only loudly loquacious. His ramblings woke me up from bed in time to hear him brag how proud he was of his son. It took a while for that confession to get past my drowsy fog to realize that my dad had only one son, and he was talking about me! That was the approval I so desperately needed to feel I was good enough for the most significant person in my life. When he expressed his pride in me, I felt I was finally accepted and that I belonged. Nothing could demean or belittle me again. Any confidence that I was able to shore up to face the formidable challenges in life could be attributed to that defining moment in my life. Maybe that is why it is permanently etched in my memory.

Every person needs to know that he or she is needed, and will be missed when absent. Dwight D. Eisenhower, the World War II general who became President of the United States, in At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends, asserts that “the world could be fixed of its problems if every child understood the necessity of their existence.”¹ If we recognize that our family could not go on without us, we would be imbued with a sense of personal worth and destiny. We would be less insecure in our relationships and less misunderstanding would happen in our communication. However, if a child grows up feeling he does not count, or that the family is better off without him, he is more inclined to resort to aggressive means to demand attention and win approval or respect.

Donald Miller, the celebrated author, in a vulnerable volume, To Own A Dragon: Reflections On Growing Up Without A Father, intimates that “for whatever reason, [my father] took a look at me and split… And that has made me feel, at times, there is this detestable person living within my skin who makes people feel as though they must carry me on their backs… I realized I was operating out of a feeling of inferiority. Deep inside, I believed life was for other people – that joy was for others, and responsibility was for others… In life, there were people who were meant to live and people who were accidentally born, elected to plod the globe as the despised.”²

These insecurities are at the gut level. We can be educated enough to think these are illogical feelings, or we can attain success in our vocations and command respect and admiration from our social circles, but logical arguments cannot persuade or change the heart. Knowledge does not make us feel any more secure. Belonging has to be experienced, and that deep understanding will be echoed through our entire being, format our brain and inform our behavior. More often than not, that experience of acceptance that gives rise to a personal sense of worth is what only a father can give.

Fortunately, it does not mean that if our biological father messed it up for us, we can never experience wholeness and find emotional fortitude. The benchmark for fatherhood is God Himself. If we are fortunate enough to have good fathers, Jesus reminds us, “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” (Mt 7:11). The best of fathers are a pale shadow of who God is as Father. There is an exponentially “how-much-more” factor when we compare our dad to God. At the same time, those of us scarred with debilitating handicaps because of our earthly fathers can take comfort in God the Father, who is radically different than our dad. God loves to be acknowledged as our Father, either one who is “how-much-more” or “radically different” than our earthly father. After all, Jesus taught us to address God in our prayers as “Our Father in heaven” (Mt 6:9).

God invites us to an intimate relationship with Him. Jesus instructs, “When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father” (Mt 6:6). That is a clue that the Father wishes to interact with His children in privacy behind closed doors. That is where He tells us we are doubly His – by creation and redemption; that we do not need to earn His love; that He watches over us closely. Only this Father-child talk can give us a sense of place and destiny, of worth and significance, of acceptance and belonging. After all, it is the Father’s ultimate commendation we all long for at the end of our earthly sojourn, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” (Mt 25:21).

So, let’s not negate dad’s critical role or neuter God. There are some things only a father can give. To all dads, biological or spiritual, Happy Father’s Day!

References:
1. Eisenhower, Dwight D. At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends. Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1967.
2. Miller, Donald and MacMurray, John. To Own A Dragon: Reflections On Growing Up Without A Father. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2006.

Peter Chao is the Founder-President of Eagles Communications.

The New International Version of the Bible has been referenced.