I do not usually make bold statements, but for this book I will make an exception: “Go get it!” Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend, authors of the Gold Medallion Book Award winning Boundaries, wrote Boundaries In Dating with the hope of offering a “wise, biblical path to developing self-control, freedom, and intimacy in the dating process.”  The premise of the book is that dating in itself is not harmful. As long as it is done in a responsible way between two mature people within set boundaries, they believe that it can be an activity that allows the individual to “increase their abilities to find and commit to a marriage partner.”

Growing up, whenever the topic of dating was brought up in church, it was often painted in a negative light. We were taught that either dating was a direct path to heartaches, or that we should just wait for the “right” one that God will provide for us. Most of us back then did not heed the well-intended advice – it just did not appeal to us. There might have been much heartache, but I think that it will be safe to say that we learned a lot about ourselves and that it helped us to mature into who we are today. It was the unguided, immature form of dating that was leading to heartaches. If we had this book back then, much of that anguish could have possibly been prevented.

The book is filled with much practical advice on topics like “Dating won’t cure a lonely heart,” or “Don’t fall in love with someone you wouldn’t be friends with.” However, these topics in themselves did not capture my attention as much as two very simple points that leapt out from the stories that the authors shared in the book: namely, the importance of having good character and of having a wonderful support network.

In the first part of the book, the authors dealt with the internal issues of the individual, laying out the reasons why the individual should work on themselves before starting to date. They advocate that we need to build a strong foundation towards maturity, character, and most importantly, a relationship with God. I strongly agree with this point. Too often, we are so focused on the external issues that we fail to realize that we must first get our own lives in order. Only then can we make wise decisions and set safe boundaries within which we can date in a manner that allows us to learn more about ourselves and is also pleasing to God.

It is the second point that I learnt from the book which really impacted my thinking. Often, our approach to helping a younger person with the issue of dating is to buy a “dating” book, and then hope and pray that the person will read it and somehow escape heartache. I realized this is not the right way. Dating should not be done in a bubble involving just two parties. There is a great need for a strong support network for the individuals involved – to help develop a strong character foundation in the early stages of life which will be beneficial for the dating stages later when they need to make sound decisions and practice accountability.

If you feel that this book is just for losers in the dating game, think again. There are many insights that benefit anyone who is on the dating journey and encourage the enhancement of relationships in a safe and enjoyable way.

In conclusion, the next time I am asked to recommend a book for a young person on dating, I will suggest that they buy two copies of this book: one for the young person and one for themselves. As a mentor, going through this book together with the young person is a wonderful opportunity to guide him or her to date within God’s parameters without diluting the fun aspect, avoiding the pitfalls, and cultivating the ability to make sound decisions in choosing and maintaining a relationship with a potential life partner.

Lek Sze Chieh is the Business Development Executive at SKS Books Warehouse and he worships at Covenant Evangelical Free Church, Singapore. He loves reading books that challenge his understanding and enjoys torturous workouts at the gym.

Animals have their rituals – peacocks for instance display their plumage. But when it comes to close encounters of the romantic kind, the only thing some people display is
a shed load of ignorance.

But whether you’re new to dating or returning to the scene after a relationship break-up, there are a number of ways to prevent the experience from becoming a disaster.

Your Ten Percent Tips

1. Perspective Pays

Perhaps the reason for our anxiety when it comes to dating is the pressure we put ourselves under.

“What if they say no?”
“What if she doesn’t like me?”
“What if she’s the one?”

Relax.

Your primitive brain is currently in the driving seat and as things stand, believes it may have spotted a potential mate. As a result, it’s highly focused and completely blind to all other possible mates. You feel a surge in adrenaline. The pressure is on. Or is it? I appreciate the fact that trying to be logical when it comes to physical attraction is a bit like giving a toddler his favorite sweets and saying, “Save them for later.” It’s not easy. But on the other hand, it’s not impossible.

So let’s apply a little logic and not allow our primitive brain to completely hijack our thought processes. Let’s imagine you find someone especially attractive and you want to pursue your interest further. Remember, your aim in approaching the other person is not to ask for their hand in marriage. (If it is I feel you’ve missed a few stages in the process). Neither are you asking them to commit to a romantic relationship.

Remind yourself that what you are in fact saying is, “If I’m honest, I find myself sufficiently attracted to you that I’d like to spend a little more time getting to know you.” And that’s it. Your neck’s not really on the line. Take the heat off yourself. You’re taking the first step. Depending on the other person’s response it might be the first step on the road to nowhere. But maybe it’s the first step of a relationship journey that could lead to a long-term commitment. Who knows?

And that’s the point. Who knows? No one. That’s until you decide to take the first step. And if they say no? Guess what? Nothing has changed. This person wasn’t in your life previously and they’re still not in your life now. There are still several million possible options out there. So let’s just get things into perspective.

2. Let’s Do Coffee

Given the need to apply a little less pressure to ourselves when you’re asking someone on a date, don’t suggest going for dinner.

Firstly, it’s expensive – unless you choose somewhere really cheap, and that’s clearly not sending the right message. Secondly, it’s long. Particularly if things are not going well. So unless you skip starters and desserts, most dinner dates will usually be in excess of ninety minutes. That’s like sitting through an entire football match. And believe me, that can seem an awfully long time if things aren’t going well. Thirdly, dinner dates are not the best way to put people at ease.

“Which spoon do I use?”
“I can’t believe the price of their fish and chips.”
“I don’t understand half the menu.”

So do coffee instead. It’s cheap compared to a three course meal. It doesn’t have to take too long, but if things are going well you can always have a second cuppa. There’s also less need for etiquette (but make sure your cappuccino doesn’t leave you with a frothy moustache – which in all honesty is not an attractive trait on women).

Finally it’s a relaxing environment, where you’re more likely to be yourself and feel less pressure than on a more formal date.

3. Dress With Care

Let’s get one thing clear. I don’t care what your mother told you – “never judge a book by its cover” has to be one of the worst pieces of advice ever given when it comes to dating.

It’s also potentially dangerous. We’re hard wired to make snap decisions about people. At a very basic level, the question we’re always asking when we encounter someone for the first time is “Friend or foe?” Now these snap decisions are not always right (and our prejudices and culture influence them). But we can’t ignore them.

The truth is … If you want them to read the content, make sure the cover is appealing.

Here are some actions to take:

• Do you have access to a full length mirror? If not, get one.
• Look in your wardrobe. Is it time to dump some of the old favorites that looked good on you – ten years ago?
• Get some feedback from a good but honest friend or colleague about what you wear.
• Ignore any advice your mother gives you about clothes.
• Watch some fashion makeover programs – they really can provide good, practical, and often cheap advice.

I appreciate this may all sound superficial, but we’re dealing with how the world is, not how you want it to be. Making an effort with your appearance invariably makes you feel better about yourself, which leads to increased self confidence.

However, a word of warning. Remember you’re meeting for coffee – overdress for the occasion and you’re sending the wrong message.

The truth is … You want to make an effort without appearing to have made too much effort.

That’s great advice for a first informal date, but clearly you need to raise the stakes at more formal gatherings. And if the person pays you a compliment about what you’re wearing, don’t reply with any of the following:

“Oh I got them really cheap in a sale.”
“I’m not sure – I think it makes my boobs look big.” (Definitely one to avoid if you’re a man)

If someone pays you a compliment, two words will suffice. “Thank you.” In fact, being able to receive a compliment is in itself a sign of confidence.

4. Be Remembered – For All The Right Reasons

I can think of plenty of ways to be remembered for all the wrong reasons:

• Bad breath
• Body Odor
• Turning up late
• Talking about ex-partners
• Never asking about the other person
• Moaning about your health or life in general

(Have you ever met or dated anyone who’s exhibited any of the above?)
So how can you stand out from the crowd without appearing proud? Here are two ways:

Be interested. Make sure you show plenty of interest in the other person. Listening is a brilliant opportunity to show the other person respect as well as help you discover more about them.

But avoid the Spanish Inquisition. You’re just trying to establish a connection. It’s a date – not a therapy session.

If the conversation starts getting heavy and you sense you’re moving into deep unchartered waters, bring things back to shallow water by changing the subject. It might help to have a couple of questions prepared in advance to drop into the conversation at an appropriate time.

“Who would you most like to have a one to one with?” (living or dead)
“Complete the phrase ‘not a lot of people know this but…………’” (something interesting or memorable about you that not a lot of people know)

Whichever questions you use, make sure you have some. There’s nothing more damaging to your confidence than long periods of uncomfortable silence.

Be interesting. Now that can be a challenge. Having the attitude “But I can’t think of anything interesting about me” may explain the reason for your single status.

Now don’t worry if you don’t have any particular hobbies – there’s bound to be something you do in life that’s interesting and you’re not too embarrassed to admit to. But give some thought to how you talk about yourself and your interests.

For instance, I enjoy football. But if I was on a date and was asked what I enjoy, I could say either of the following:

OPTION A – “I enjoy football.”

If the other person doesn’t like football, then that could be the end of the conversation.

OR I might go for talking about my interest in the following way:

OPTION B – “I love football. There’s nothing that compares with going to a live match. Have you ever been in a stadium full of tens of thousands of passionate people? It’s amazing. I love the atmosphere. Football for me is not just about watching 22 men kick around a bag of wind. It’s so much more. It’s about meeting up with my mates, the banter, the expectation of success. I love the whole experience. Not just the ninety minutes.”

Ok, now that might sound over the top, but it’s up to you to communicate about yourself in an engaging way. Even if the other person doesn’t share your interest, they’re still likely to be impressed. Who wants to spend time with someone lacking in any passion for life?

The bottom line? You might not get a second chance to create a first impression. This is your time to shine. Don’t waste it.

The truth is … It’s dangerous to rely on your natural wit and charm – particularly when you don’t have any.

5. Rejections Are Reality

It’s rare to find anyone in life who hasn’t experienced some form of rejection. So when it happens to you, take some comfort in the fact that you’re sharing in a universal experience.

The key is not whether it happens or not, but how to respond when it does.

Firstly, be aware that one reason for your rejection could be down to your levels of confidence – you may be perceived as having too much.

The truth is … A touch of nerves and a little self depreciation can be quite appealing in small doses. Displaying too much self-confidence can be quite intimidating.

Secondly, rejection presents you with an opportunity. It could also be a time for some honest reflection.

The value of this reflection, however, depends on whether it’s spent with your inner critic or your inner coach. Typically the emotional and rather loud voice of the inner critic kicks in initially:

“I’m fat.”
“I’m ugly.”
“I’m destined to remain single.”

You might be surprised to hear that such comments are designed to protect you from further rejection. If you believe you’re fat, ugly, and destined to remain single, you’re unlikely to put yourself in a position where you’re likely to be rejected again. And if you buy into that belief, you’ll probably remain unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of your life.

So how about you sit down and have a little chat with your inner coach instead? Well, once the initial emotions of rejection have subsided – (I’m not suggesting they will disappear), you may want to reflect on the following:

• Was I a little hasty in asking that person on a date?
• Would I use the same approach when meeting someone else for the first time?
• What would I do differently next time?

And if the rejection comes after a few dates:

• What have I learnt about me from this experience?
• Were we really compatible?
• In what way may I have contributed to the relationship ending?
• What lessons can I take from this experience into my next relationship?

The truth is … Experience is not a great teacher. It’s only a great teacher when you choose to learn from it. That’s why people keep repeating the same mistakes.

The truth is … Remember, rejection can go two ways. It can make you better or leave you bitter.

Paul McGee is a well known international speaker and author. He has spoken in twenty countries to date and has just completed his latest book, Self-Confidence The Remarkable Truth of Why a Small Change Can Make A Big Difference of which this article is extracted from as a preview. He can be contacted at sumo@paulmcgee.com or via his web site at www.PaulMcGee.com.