Not being committed in a marital relationship should not deprive anyone from enjoying life to the hilt or from meaningful relationships. Our hearts should be filled with joy when we are engaged in life affirming friendships. Our existence should be imbued with purpose and meaning when our lives intersect with others. Fulfillment comes to us when we do not revolve around ourselves, and when we are able to give ourselves to others, to meeting others’ needs and making life worth the living for them.

We can cultivate an attractive personality and nurture a generous spirit that others will be drawn to. We have to look inside our souls to begin the transformation. Christian Dior once said there is no such thing as an ugly woman; there are only those who do not know how to make themselves attractive.

Cultivating Inner Beauty requires us to leverage on our innate strengths. All of us have handicaps – some visible, but mostly invisible. If we focus on our weaknesses, we will be defined by them. Nobody wants to be engaged in a social exchange with us if all we can offer are our liabilities. Even the most marginalized among us will have positive attributes we can bring to enrich others. If we are made in the image of our Creator, then even the most marred visage will bear redemptive features of our Maker. If we listen to the voice in our heads echoing imagined societal rejection, we would always think we are not good enough, or handsome/pretty enough, or smart enough. We would shrivel when we are in the company of others, and not be able to hone our abilities or allow our charisma to emanate. Instead we should pursue our interests in a focused way, so we will always have a conversation topic and we will probably be more enthusiastic on the subject, thus exuding a passion that can be appealing.

It is important to relax when we are interacting with others, to be naturally interested in others rather than be self-absorbed. There is no need to be anxious about being interesting or outstanding in social gatherings. Being overly self conscious is a turn-off. It is frequently mistaken for being arrogant and aloof. But to be genuinely interested in others, to find points of identification in their lives is to invite others into your heart. To be able to respect others, sincerely desiring to learn something from others’ experience is to accord them esteem. And, the rule of thumb is, respect begets respect.

Expanding Our Capacity For Feelings helps us adapt to different social situations. It enables us to accept diversity in our interactions, keeps our hearts and minds open, not making assumptions or conclusions about people who are different from us. G.K. Chesterton once said, “The world will not starve for want of wonders, but only for want of wonder.” To wonder is to engage both the mind and the heart. The mind has to be open while the heart has to expand its capacity to be awed.

For too many of us, we approach new situations and people with a measure of caution and suspicion. We are not ready to trust or open our hearts. No one wants to be manipulated or misled. In so doing, we sieve out positive experiences as well. Men tend to be more impervious to feelings of warmth and acceptance. They delude themselves into thinking they are more rational when their capacity for feelings is narrow. Unless we expand our emotional range, we will never be swept by the sense of wonder, exhilaration and joyful surprise.

Not only must we expand our emotional capacity to receive but we must also put feet to feelings. In other words, we need to learn how to articulate positive feelings in appropriate, sincere, and affirming ways. It is selfish and boorish not to be spontaneous in expressing appreciation, gratitude, and affirmation when we have been recipients of grace and generosity. Honest gratitude springs from the depths of one’s heart. It goes beyond the mind to merely do the “politically or socially correct” thing; it has to come from the heart that is touched by thoughtful and gracious deeds.

The most winsome people I know have the ability to draw out what is deep in the hearts of the people they interact with. They are warm and inviting, making it evident there is room in their hearts for us. They give full attention when we are expressing ourselves, providing a safe sanctuary in their hearts for our wounded spirits, ready to toast to our success or enter into our delirious joy. Empathy is the precious gift of a heart that has the expanded capacity for the feelings of others.

Are there really such charmers in real life? Most of these swinging winners I know have experienced a grace so deep in their lives they are able to Hang their Hangups. Their invisible handicaps have to do with the cards they have been dealt in life. Like us, they cannot choose their looks or physical attributes. They did not choose their parents or families, or any of the pathologies that came with their family names. Some have deep regrets in their lives over wrong decisions, wrong company or downright unfortunate circumstances. But, they have drunk so deeply from the fountain of grace that their past is redeemed and the venom of anger, resentment, and bitterness is drained. Instead they choose to move on and not let their painful past or their fear of the future rob them of the present. They choose to live life to the full!

Grace does not only empty the poison, it fills up with love, hope, and joy. Contagious enthusiasm cannot run on an empty tank. It takes love to look beyond the pain, hope to go beyond the fears, and joy to overcome the disappointments in life. Only grace from God can bear the weight of life. Once experienced, one’s soul is uplifted until it gives way to outward expressions of rumbustious joy that is genuinely spontaneous, winsomely heartwarming, and alluringly gracious. Would such a swinging single not be attractive, or someone we would aspire to be?

Peter Chao is the Founder-President of Eagles Communications.

References:
1 Department of Statistics, Ministry of Trade & Industry, Singapore. “Population in Brief: 2009.”

Relationships are God’s vehicle for reflecting all that He has for us in community. As Father, Son, and Holy Spirit enjoying each other in a perfect flow of relationship, so He gave us each other to enjoy communion as a reflection of what He enjoys. When this takes place nothing can compare with it. When relationships are broken, pain is the result. All of us know to some extent or another how painful it is when our hearts are hurting. Some of those hurts seem to heal quickly and our lives move on with no awareness of scars or lingering pain. Other hurts invade our lives daily, sometimes taking us by surprise, while at other times we brace ourselves for the ongoing hurt that does not seem to get easier with the passing of time.

When this happens in a marriage, or a relationship that is intent on marriage, the pain and consequences cannot be expressed with words alone. Divorce can mean a lifetime of meeting the consequences of that breakdown and walking through its minefields. Sometimes it seems that the pain will never disappear and will inevitably be part of the future.

Sadly, this is so for many people. However, He whose Name is Redeemer, Savior, and Healer has the power to mend the unmendable, to heal the broken hearted and restore where there is no hope. The path to healing is not a template to be placed over a broken life, but a journey that can be quite different for every person and every situation. Suffice to say that those who pursue healing can move forward without pain at every corner. There may be consequences for a lifetime, but facing these without the deep pain is a whole different story.

How can we know when we are healed? It is most certainly not a matter of waking one morning and finding it all over but the following may be some indications that healing is certainly in sight:

• We are no longer looking for another relationship to help take the pain away, but have entered into the joy and fulfillment of singleness.
• We are happy and content in our singleness, not striving to be completed in another.
• We can face the consequences of the breakdown without fear and turmoil.
• We can look back and see the good in the other person, not just those things that caused us hurt.
• We can meet the other person with peace.
• We see our future with hope; and plan with renewed vision.
• We can talk about what happened without judging, blaming or bitterness.
• We can own our part in the breakdown without condemnation and walk in the freedom of forgiveness that is offered at the Cross.
• We understand some of what went wrong, what steps could have been taken to avoid it and in so doing grasp this revelation as a learning curve for the future.
• Our children, if any, can talk about the breakdown and their other parent with freedom in our presence.

How can we be sure that future relationships will be successful? The truth is that we probably cannot be sure. “Let anyone who thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor 10:12). But we can take steps to ensure that in as far as we can we will be set up for ongoing success.

One couple decided that both of them were going to have a period of counseling to ensure they were free from all “past baggage.” To start with, it was an individual journey for them both, coming together finally for counseling as a couple. Whatever path is chosen, an intentional search for emotional or relational land mines that could explode in the future can only be a good thing in the hands of those who are skilled in these areas.

Moving into a relationship, whether there have been past hurts or not, is so often taken too lightly. When buying a house, a car or other big commitment, advice is usually taken and serious thought given to the cost. When intent on pursuing a relationship, we are in the crisis of making one of the most important decisions of our lives at a time when we are the most emotionally unstable. We pray through the “idol” of our heart’s passion rather than through approaching the throne with open hands and an open heart to hear His will no matter what. This is where we need others who will pray and bring wisdom and accountability and walk with us into the future.

Sadly, “romantic relationships” are usually entered into without such advice, with no accountability and no wisdom sought from those who know the individuals best.

People who can be brought into the process are: leaders in the church who know them, parents (whatever age we are, there is no one who knows us better or has our best interests at heart than our parents), and close friends who have proved that they will speak truth into our lives even at the risk of losing our friendship.

Taking our time to build wholesome friendship in a group setting will give insight that can be lost when people delve right into the one-on-one relationship. It helps to avoid the pitfalls of co-dependency and allows healthy interaction with others. I know married couples who chose never to be alone until after their wedding day, making the decision to avoid temptation, or even the appearance of evil, and enjoying one another within the context of others. These people are all happily married and would do the same thing again. I mention this not as a path that must be taken but to say that there are alternative ways to move forward from those that reflect the values of the world.

Another couple I know reached an agreement right at the start of their relationship and appointed another couple to “be there” for the rest of their marriage. They agreed that either one of them could approach them without their spouse’s agreement if they felt the need. This avenue, they feel, has brought stability, accountability, and wisdom and has been a safety net through the ups and downs of thirty years of marriage.

Nearly everyone has couples in their lives who have had long and successful marriages – they can give wisdom and insight borne out of experience. Sadly, too few will sit at their feet and learn from the wisdom of the years.

Many books on marriage have been written. There are conferences and courses – all of these can only help. There are no simple answers.

However, let us be a people who will be different, act differently and take a different stance as we move forward. Before hearts get engaged on earth, let us have them consumed with the greatest Love of all, the greatest Bridegroom of all, on our knees engaged in prayer, and our hearts sold out to no other as we fast and seek counsel and so “keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life” (Prov 4:23).

The Amplified Version of the Bible has been referenced.

Daphne and her children, Andrew and Daniella Kirk, have traveled internationally for over 12 years, taking the vision of “Reconnecting the generations and releasing them to have an uncompromising passion for Jesus with a heart for mission and evangelism.” They speak at pastors and leaders conferences and help to mobilize this emerging generation “for such a time as this.” Check out the ministry founded by the Kirk family, Generation 2 Generation at www.gnation2gnation.com.