Our world is no longer that simple. Television has brought a variety of lifestyles right into our living rooms. Birth control has radically reduced the fear of having an illegitimate or unwanted child. Many Christian singles are actively and often openly sexually involved.

Not only have moral and technological changes occurred but the social structure has changed radically, too. We are no longer as oriented around family, church or community as we once were. There has also been a significant increase in the number of women working and the capability of the women to function fully equal with a man. It is clearly possible for a woman to get along without a man. In addition, there are more single women than there are men who are eligible for marriage. More single people are choosing to put off marriage, so the stigma of singleness is diminishing. All of these factors force us to take a fresh look at the subject of being single.

Who is this single person?

Describing today’s single is no simpler than describing today’s complex world. There are those who see themselves as temporarily single. This is the under-25 age group of singles who graduate from high school, go off to work or college, and expect to be raising a family of their own. Many of the 25 to 35 range are focusing on professional goals without greater thought or emphasis on marriage. Then there are those singles who intend to marry, but never did. These people can range all the way from their late 20s to the mid 70s or older. The never-married group also includes some who chose the celibate life to give their energy to the call of God. Those who are single as the result of divorce also make up a large portion of the single world. There are many variations within the divorced group. For example, there may be the young woman of 22 whose abusive marriage lasted only eight months. She got out of the marriage and feels rather scarred, but she has her whole life before her. On the other hand, the divorce group may include the 38 year old husband whose wife left him with three kids. Now he is trying to be the mother, father, and breadwinner as well. Still others may be divorced for 15 or 20 years with no desire to remarry. Other couples lived together until the kids were through university and married, and then got a divorce as a statement of how unfulfilling life had been for them during those family-raising years. The single group also includes those who are single because of the death of a beloved spouse.

Sexual experience, viewpoints, and needs vary greatly for singles. Thus, it is important as we look at singleness and sexuality that we consider all variations, recognizing that there is no one simple answer that is applicable to all circumstances.

Painting the Singles Scene

There is an ever-increasing gap between the time when a young person’s body is ready for sexual activity and the time when marriage is likely to occur.

Many of us encourage couples to wait until their mid-twenties to marry because the statistics show that younger marriages have a higher incidence of divorce. This makes sense. We change a great deal after leaving the parental home. This dilemma (of the body being ready for sexual activity but educational and societal influences pushing marriage later) leaves many young adults with 10 to 15 years of sexual readiness before marriage. While sexual urges are at their peak, there is no acceptable outlet.

Let us underscore the reality and vitality of every person’s sexuality. We are sexual beings even before birth. Our body functions sexually right from birth – a newborn boy has his first erection within minutes after birth and a baby girl has her first vaginal lubrication within hours after birth. As we move beyond puberty, we feel natural physical attraction to the opposite sex. That is how God designed us, so there is no way that we can be single and not be sexual. We are sexual, and that sexuality is confirmed not only by our physiology but also by our emotions and by our spirits.

Obviously, the single person has to take responsibility for how he or she expresses that sexuality. Conception, infection, and detection used to be the controls on a single’s sexual activity. All three of these controls have changed radically. The easy availability of birth-control methods, especially the pill, has drastically altered the dating structure. Next, while the moral attitudes about premarital sex may still be endorsed in our homes, churches or society, modern birth control provides the possibility of private involvement without the fear of pregnancy. It requires a conscious choice on the single person’s part to be sexually active. That is a difficult decision for singles who believe sex outside of marriage is wrong. Thus, about 85% of first-time sexual experiences of single people are unplanned for. Since they do not consciously decide that they are ready for sexual intercourse, the couple proceeds unprotected, often resulting in unwanted pregnancy. The conflict between sexual drives, social standards, and moral convictions keeps the person from actively confronting the decision of sexual behavior.

Infection is back in the picture in a deadly way. The incidence of sexually transmitted diseases rises every year and is usually contracted outside of marriage. There is no cure for herpes and AIDS and the tedious, expensive medical process of eradicating precancerous genital warts can be life-changing. Thus the thinking single person has to be much more cautious.

With the mobility and fragmentation of our society, “getting caught” while having intercourse is seldom an issue. Young people are often home by themselves for extended periods of time while both parents are working. After high school, most young people live apart from their families in unrestricted settings and are free to make their own sexual choices without detection.

While detection and conception are losing their power as sexual controls, society saturates the single person with sexuality. Media promote an easy acceptance of not only sexual enticement, but also of sexual activity. The apparent openness and freedom surrounding sexuality should imply greater knowledge, and bode well for healthy sexual adjustments in later years. But it does not.

Since the Christian community is part of the world in which we live, its sexual practices for singles have changed as radically as those in society. Our research among single adult groups has confirmed what others reported: Sexual intercourse is an activity that many single Christians choose. This is occurring much more frequently than was true in times past.

The Frustration of Being Single

The lack of physical, sexual fulfillment without the marriage commitment is an ongoing frustration for the single person of any age. There is a natural urge in each of us to connect in a vital way with another person, and when fulfilling that urge is limited or totally absent, frustration occurs. Finding ways to minimize this frustration is an ongoing struggle for many single people. If you feel continually frustrated physically, we encourage you to look at your life and see what you are doing that promotes this frustration. Do you spend time watching or reading sexually explicit material? That will certainly feed your frustration. Are you physically involved with a partner, getting highly aroused without orgasm or intercourse? This will also create physical frustration. Is your life empty, leaving you time to become obsessed with your sexual drives? Is self-stimulation an option? Obviously there is a limit and degree of fulfillment possible with oneself. Yes, an orgasm may be possible, but it may still leave you hungry for the intimacy of a relationship.

This lack of emotional intimacy is a common frustration for the single person. Every person needs the experience of close, vital, and meaningful relationships with parents, brothers, sisters, friends, persons of the same and opposite sex. In adulthood, most of us need the additional bonding of intimacy with one person of the opposite sex. Not only do single adults feel frustrations about sexual fulfillment and lack of emotional intimacy, they also may feel the frustration of not having a place in society. Most of society is designed for married people and families. Thus, it is not surprising that many single adults feel unaccepted by their communities. The same thing happens in the church where the great majority of the people on the roster will be married. Single people often feel out of place and isolated with the other singles – away from the larger church family.

Being sexually active does not eliminate that sense of being alone within the social structure. In addition, you may live with the ongoing agony of guilt. The biblical expectation and guideline is rather clear: Sexual intercourse is reserved for marriage. If you are a believer and you desire to live by the standards of the Scriptures, then it is inevitable that you will struggle as you actively choose to go against what you believe. All of this frustration calls loudly for a decision.

Make a Decision: The Options

First, let us consider the choices single adults are making. Then we will look at how you can go about making your decision.

Choice 1: Deny your sexual feelings
This may be one of the easiest choices to make, even though the long-term consequences are quite severe. All of us were created as sexual beings. To deny this is to close down a vital dimension of ourselves. Long-term, we risk the consequence of being unable to rekindle those feelings when it is time to do so in marriage.

It is not uncommon for the young person who has either been raised in an emotionally/sexually unexpressive home to be unaware of sexual feelings. The single person who is intensely sexual may shut off those feelings because their power is frightening. Such a person may behave and feel as if he or she had no sexual feelings. This choice is understandable, but its detrimental consequences far outweigh its benefits.

We have worked with these consequences in young married couples who have no desire for one another. Sometimes one or both spouses report that they chose the route of denying their sexual feelings, believing this is what God wanted them to do before they were married. They had not separated their actions from their feelings. To be able to remain virgins, they had chosen to be asexual, only to discover, as they moved into marriage, that they continued to be asexual. The pain and the sense of being shortchanged are very powerful for these people because they had operated on the belief that if they did not let themselves be sexual before marriage, God would bless them with a free and abundant sexual life after marriage.

Sexuality does not work this way. It is an innate appetite, just like hunger. People can control how much they eat, just as they can control their sexual behavior. But when they shut down their appetites for food they become anorexic; likewise, if they turn off their sexual feelings, they become sexually apathetic. And this apathy sometimes continues beyond the point when they say “I do.”

Be on the lookout for the denial of sexual feelings. Any couple moving toward marriage who has decided not to engage in sexual intercourse before marriage should experience that decision to maintain boundaries as a struggle. If it is not, you should take a long hard look at yourselves and the relationship. In a close, loving relationship, abstinence should be a battle. Every ounce of our beings urges us toward sexual union. If you are not aware of this urge, you may have denied your sexual feelings so long that it will be difficult for you to revive them. This will cause stress in your marriage – sometimes marriage breaking stress.

Choice 2: Innocent involvement
Innocent involvement may grow out of ineffective attempts to deny sexual feelings or from failing to actively decide not to act on the feelings. If you are unable to accept your sexuality and yet continually find yourself going beyond your sexual limits, you set yourself up for involvement beyond your readiness. The sequence usually goes something like this: You meet a nice person and begin some casual, and then more serious contact. You innocently send off many warm and inviting messages with no intention of acting upon them. You let yourself get into situations – in a car, apartment or even a motel – all the time convincing yourself that this is just a friendly contact that has no sexual purpose or intent.

As time together progresses, physical involvement also increases. You find yourself carried along, either by the urges in your body or your partner’s body, and you end up making love. When it is all over, the rush of guilt and remorse is overwhelming. You commit to yourself and each other that you will never do this again. You ask each other’s and God’s forgiveness. But two weeks later, you find yourself in identical circumstances.

The consequences of this pattern are very severe. First of all, since you cannot get yourself to plan for it, no birth-control measures are taken, so you risk the chance of pregnancy. Second, since you did not “intend” to do this, you do not provide yourself with the privacy that you need to really relax and enjoy it. Third, since involvement is not your intention, you develop a pattern of always connecting sexual activity with high risk. Later on in married life, you may still need risk as part of your sexual experience to help you get the desired response of excitement. Fourth, you violate your own standards, and thus violate yourself. You experience guilt and the chronic internal ache that it brings. This sets you up for a future in which you may need to feel guilt as part of your sexual arousal. Fifth, you may experience guilt in relation to God. If you are a Christian with a commitment to reserve sexual intercourse for marriage, then each time you violate that standard you will not only feel guilt in relation to yourself but also to God. Soon God and your sexuality become mutually exclusive. Innocent involvement is one of the most irresponsible and destructive patterns; it often leads to negative consequences later in marriage.

Choice 3: Chosen involvement
Some couples actively choose to complete their relationship with sexual intercourse, even though sex outside of marriage contradicts biblical teaching. They work to make peace with their standards and beliefs. They prepare for their sexual times together. They behave as if they were married. Those who choose to have sexual intercourse before marriage, yet accept the Bible as their standard for Christian living, often live with dissonance between their beliefs and their behavior. Couples may bypass many other stages of intimacy if they jump into a total, sexual relationship. There may be a sense of vulnerability and insecurity without the trust-building commitment of marriage. There is no data to suggest that sex before marriage is an indication of how sex will be after marriage. Obedience, commitment, intimacy, and trust are all essential ingredients to a long-term, happy sexual life.

Choice 4: Chosen abstinence
This is a healthy choice that fits the biblical directives on sexuality. For young people who have chosen to limit their physical involvement to general hugging and kissing is a boundary that is difficult but possible because it is consistent with where they are emotionally and developmentally.

We can attest that abstinence before marriage is possible. It is not a barrier to a fulfilling sexual life in marriage. For the thirty year olds who already have been active sexually, either unmarried or in marriage, and then choose abstinence, the internal pressure can be almost impossible. Once the floodgates of sexuality have been opened, incredible inner strength is required to hold back these urges. We know couples, however, who have been able to maintain abstinence after being sexually involved, and have done so joyfully.

When abstinence is the chosen route, it is important to plan for that. Do not set yourselves up to test the limits. Focus on all dimensions of the relationship. Emphasize activities and settings that are not tempting. Learn to enjoy physical intimacy within clearly defined limits that both of you respect.

Choice 5: Celibacy as a lifestyle
In 1 Corinthians 7:8-9; 32-38, the Apostle Paul talks about the calling of celibacy. There is an important distinction to make between the lifestyles of chosen celibacy and chosen abstinence. Celibacy is for those who experience themselves as being called by God to stay single in order to serve humankind. It is very different from abstaining from sexual intercourse until marriage. The apostle is saying that if you have your sexual desires well under control, and feel the distinct calling of God to serve, and you have an outlet for that calling, then celibacy may be your choice. They are people who choose a lifestyle of subjugating their sexual energy and channeling it into outlets of service. Very few manage this well, but it is clearly one of the options.

Those are the choices. There may be some variations of these basic options, but every single person will roughly fit into one of these categories. Some singles may find themselves in a situation not by choice. This is indeed a trying circumstance and you need to make a decision about how you will make the most of who you are as a sexual person, given the reality of your situation.

Dr Clifford and Joyce Penner are internationally recognized sexual therapists, educators, and authors. Clifford, a clinical psychologist, earned an M.A. in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary and holds a PhD from Fuller’s Graduate School of Psychology. Joyce, a registered nurse, holds a master’s degree in psychosomatic nursing and nursing education from UCLA, and is currently Associate Pastor of Congregational Life at Lake Avenue Church in Pasadena. They have authored nine books including Sex Facts for the Family from which the extract of this article is taken. In addition to conducting sex education and sexual enhancement seminars, the Penners specialize in sexual therapy at their clinic – Clifford & Joyce Penner and Associates in Pasadena, California.

Not being committed in a marital relationship should not deprive anyone from enjoying life to the hilt or from meaningful relationships. Our hearts should be filled with joy when we are engaged in life affirming friendships. Our existence should be imbued with purpose and meaning when our lives intersect with others. Fulfillment comes to us when we do not revolve around ourselves, and when we are able to give ourselves to others, to meeting others’ needs and making life worth the living for them.

We can cultivate an attractive personality and nurture a generous spirit that others will be drawn to. We have to look inside our souls to begin the transformation. Christian Dior once said there is no such thing as an ugly woman; there are only those who do not know how to make themselves attractive.

Cultivating Inner Beauty requires us to leverage on our innate strengths. All of us have handicaps – some visible, but mostly invisible. If we focus on our weaknesses, we will be defined by them. Nobody wants to be engaged in a social exchange with us if all we can offer are our liabilities. Even the most marginalized among us will have positive attributes we can bring to enrich others. If we are made in the image of our Creator, then even the most marred visage will bear redemptive features of our Maker. If we listen to the voice in our heads echoing imagined societal rejection, we would always think we are not good enough, or handsome/pretty enough, or smart enough. We would shrivel when we are in the company of others, and not be able to hone our abilities or allow our charisma to emanate. Instead we should pursue our interests in a focused way, so we will always have a conversation topic and we will probably be more enthusiastic on the subject, thus exuding a passion that can be appealing.

It is important to relax when we are interacting with others, to be naturally interested in others rather than be self-absorbed. There is no need to be anxious about being interesting or outstanding in social gatherings. Being overly self conscious is a turn-off. It is frequently mistaken for being arrogant and aloof. But to be genuinely interested in others, to find points of identification in their lives is to invite others into your heart. To be able to respect others, sincerely desiring to learn something from others’ experience is to accord them esteem. And, the rule of thumb is, respect begets respect.

Expanding Our Capacity For Feelings helps us adapt to different social situations. It enables us to accept diversity in our interactions, keeps our hearts and minds open, not making assumptions or conclusions about people who are different from us. G.K. Chesterton once said, “The world will not starve for want of wonders, but only for want of wonder.” To wonder is to engage both the mind and the heart. The mind has to be open while the heart has to expand its capacity to be awed.

For too many of us, we approach new situations and people with a measure of caution and suspicion. We are not ready to trust or open our hearts. No one wants to be manipulated or misled. In so doing, we sieve out positive experiences as well. Men tend to be more impervious to feelings of warmth and acceptance. They delude themselves into thinking they are more rational when their capacity for feelings is narrow. Unless we expand our emotional range, we will never be swept by the sense of wonder, exhilaration and joyful surprise.

Not only must we expand our emotional capacity to receive but we must also put feet to feelings. In other words, we need to learn how to articulate positive feelings in appropriate, sincere, and affirming ways. It is selfish and boorish not to be spontaneous in expressing appreciation, gratitude, and affirmation when we have been recipients of grace and generosity. Honest gratitude springs from the depths of one’s heart. It goes beyond the mind to merely do the “politically or socially correct” thing; it has to come from the heart that is touched by thoughtful and gracious deeds.

The most winsome people I know have the ability to draw out what is deep in the hearts of the people they interact with. They are warm and inviting, making it evident there is room in their hearts for us. They give full attention when we are expressing ourselves, providing a safe sanctuary in their hearts for our wounded spirits, ready to toast to our success or enter into our delirious joy. Empathy is the precious gift of a heart that has the expanded capacity for the feelings of others.

Are there really such charmers in real life? Most of these swinging winners I know have experienced a grace so deep in their lives they are able to Hang their Hangups. Their invisible handicaps have to do with the cards they have been dealt in life. Like us, they cannot choose their looks or physical attributes. They did not choose their parents or families, or any of the pathologies that came with their family names. Some have deep regrets in their lives over wrong decisions, wrong company or downright unfortunate circumstances. But, they have drunk so deeply from the fountain of grace that their past is redeemed and the venom of anger, resentment, and bitterness is drained. Instead they choose to move on and not let their painful past or their fear of the future rob them of the present. They choose to live life to the full!

Grace does not only empty the poison, it fills up with love, hope, and joy. Contagious enthusiasm cannot run on an empty tank. It takes love to look beyond the pain, hope to go beyond the fears, and joy to overcome the disappointments in life. Only grace from God can bear the weight of life. Once experienced, one’s soul is uplifted until it gives way to outward expressions of rumbustious joy that is genuinely spontaneous, winsomely heartwarming, and alluringly gracious. Would such a swinging single not be attractive, or someone we would aspire to be?

Peter Chao is the Founder-President of Eagles Communications.

References:
1 Department of Statistics, Ministry of Trade & Industry, Singapore. “Population in Brief: 2009.”

In this article I would like to present the single life as something more, not less. I would like to present the positive choice to remain single as a “state in life” and a question for serious consideration. Of course, there is much discussion about the challenges of single Christians, but my conviction is that the Lord is renewing a call to intentional singleness in our day. In an age largely focused on sex, money, and power, I would argue that biblical celibacy has profound witnessing power.

Celibacy, or intentional singleness, is a call (or vocation) which the Lord wants to renew in our day. If God’s plan for most people is marriage and family life, and if that is a good thing (remember Genesis 2:18 “it is not good for the man to be alone”), then why might God want men or women to live single? Firstly, let us note that in Matthew 19 and Luke 20, Jesus explicitly connects the single life to the Kingdom of Heaven. Celibacy will be part of the “new order of society,” the “new creation” he brings into this world. Secondly, for Jesus (and Paul), the call to remain single is fundamentally a discipleship issue. I do not see the disciple being called to leave behind “everything, but…” In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul encourages those who are single to seriously consider remaining that way, for the sake of “undivided devotion to the Lord.” This advice, though challenging, is good. When asked why I am single, I respond that it is for the Lord and for His kingdom – to be free and available for the love and service of God and others.

I want to live a life of prayer and consecration to the Lord. While a married man can live this type of life (and there are stellar examples of those who do and did), the single man has a few advantages. In the Old Testament the Levites were not given any portion of the promised land. It was the Lord himself who was to be their portion. So I believe that in a special way, those living single for the Lord can have a particular relationship with Him, and be satisfied with the Lord himself as their portion (see Psalm 16). This is the spirit of Theresa of Avila, a single consecrated woman in the 16th century who said, “Solo Dios basta (God alone is enough).”

As well as living for God, remaining single helps me to live my life for others. I have a freedom to love others, generously and without partiality. As a single man, I am free to be “a member of every family, yet belonging to none.” I don’t need to focus my affections on one woman, or one set of young people (my own children). I can love generously and impartially. This was first made real to me as I met men from the Servants of the Word brotherhood while I was at University. Living single for the Lord, following a rule of life and rhythm of prayer, doing campus outreach from their “urban monasteries” I found the life of these men both “the furthest thing from my mind” and “intriguingly attractive.” I tried it on, and it fit.

Once people have got over the initial shock, a question which arises with amazing frequency is, “How do I know if it’s my call?” Firstly, let me say a few things about this (or any) call. It is not easy and it takes some serious discerning over a long period of time. It is not as simple as a lightning bolt from heaven or the lack of sexual desire! A true call tends to be a combination of factors, all of which grow over time. A sense of “hearing” from God that this is a good and right way for you to respond to the Lord as His disciple. The conviction that comes from the Bible that this is a way God invites people to live for Him. The confirmation and affirmation of those who know you and your character, and the grace and blessing that come to all who live in the way that God has designed them. Of course, one of the great advantages of the single life is that one can “try it on for size.” This is a little harder to do with marriage…

Over the years I have worked with many young people to help them discern whether they might best live single or married for the Lord. Whoever the person, whatever their background, here are my key recommendations for those who want to seriously consider the single life. First, offer your life to God. Every area, your sexuality and your “state in life” included. As they say, “if he is not Lord of all, he is not Lord at all.” Talk to someone (a trusted counselor or church leader) who knows you well and who could have some perspective for you on how you might best live your life for the Lord. Do some reading – there is a lot of wisdom out there that can help you consider the many different questions and issues involved. Consider having some contact with others who live this type of life. Trust the Lord. He knows what is best for you; He knows what you are created for. His plans are always for good – even if they are far, far different than what we might at first prefer.

As a young man I had many dreams and aspirations for my life which I now find hard to reconcile with how I live today. I can honestly say, however, that none of my dreams featured the peace and contentment, beauty and gratitude I experience in the life of single devotion to God that He has called me to live and that I have chosen. The words of Psalm 16:5-6 have become a living reality for me, “You have assigned me my portion and my cup… The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places…” To say that it has always been easy and fun would of course be untrue, but the experience of Paul in Philippians 3:8 rings true with me, “I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…” I have learned the secret of godliness with contentment. So for me, less is more.

Some recommended reading:
Thoughts on a Single Life by John Wesley
Virginity: A Positive Approach to Celibacy for the Sake of the Kingdom of Heaven by Raneiro Cantalamessa
A Biblical Theology of Singleness by Barry Danylak
Seven Silver Rings by Julia Faire
Celibacy for our Times by Yves Raguin

“In response to the exceeding greatness of the gift of God, we dedicate ourselves to loving him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength, and offering our lives to him as a living sacrifice and consecrating our lives to his service.”
Excerpt from Servants of the Word Covenant

Dave Quintana (Q) is an elder in The Servants of the Word, a missionary brotherhood of men from various churches living single for the Lord. Dave travels extensively, primarily speaking to and working with young people and singles. Email Dave with questions or if you would like to receive his daily email meditation at dquintana@servantsoftheword.org.

The New International Version of the Bible has been referenced.

I found my first (and thankfully last) girlfriend at the ripe old age of 26. It was such an old age to get attached for a 21st century Singaporean that my irritating little brother often took the liberty of asking if I was actually a closet gay. To his dismay, I was not.

I would like to say that as a mature Christian, I dealt with my years as a single with a divine peace from the Holy Spirit, and made the best use of my single years serving God and others. But the truth is, that happened only about five percent of the time. The rest of the time I was fretting and wondering if I would get attached soon, if ever.

You see, since I was nine years old – I started early – there were a string of girls and ladies whom I was attracted to. A quick count yields about 14 faces that I can remember (sadly, being a guy who thinks with his instincts and not his brains, I cannot recall all their names). I guess one can say that I was “oozing desperation.”

Of course, being attracted to someone is different from being attached to someone. Of those 14 faces, only one was naïve enough to go on a date with me. Coincidentally, she is my ex-girlfriend and current wife. What happened to the others? Oh the usual story: I was either too shy or they did not like me. Sometimes it was because we could not click. I usually found that out when I told them a joke and they would look at me in a strange way as if wondering, “D-did he just tell a joke? Am I supposed to laugh right now?”

As I got older, many of my friends were getting themselves attached or even married. Saturday nights were and still are the most popular night for dates. Which meant that on many Saturday nights, I was stuck with my best friend “myself.” So after a Saturday evening jog, me and myself would often go to the neighborhood McDonald’s and eat a burger (or two) whilst reading a book. This particular McDonald’s was very quiet on Saturday nights, which meant that no one I knew went there. Which was all the better for my friend “myself,” as he was quite a sensitive guy. Which leads to my next point.

What was more difficult than the loneliness and rejections was the psychological factor. What did people think of me? Did they think something was wrong with me? Am I strange? Why am I even caring about what others thought about me? I need to be more rested in God! Should I go for this outing? What if the people think I am going because I am desperate? I wish I had more single friends to hang out with…

Those were all very real struggles that I had to go through.

Looking back, there were advantages to being single that I should have treasured more, instead of being so self-absorbed about my loneliness. I remember when I was in my second year of university, my mentor Alex told our fellowship, “I miss the times when I was not married. I had countless hours to read theological books that helped me to understand God more. Now even if I wanted to, there’s just no time.” I thought the guy was seriously nuts. Back then, what all of us young stallions could focus on was to get a girlfriend, have fun, not be laughed at anymore, and finally settle down. And here was this nutcase talking about having more time to read theological books. The man was seriously too holy for me.

As they say, hindsight is always clearer. Now I see the wisdom of his words. As a single, there is far more time for activities to be done. When I was a single, one whole week of undisturbed spiritual retreat was possible. Now, my time also belongs to my wife. A few days of undisturbed spiritual retreat is no problem, but one whole week would seem a little bit irresponsible for a doting husband. And vice versa too. My wife, whose hobby is to read books, used to be able to spend quiet afternoons browsing in the library. Now whenever she is in the library, a grouchy man may be looking over her shoulder, wondering when it is time to leave. My wife sometimes looks back with a tad bit of sadness over her loss of freedom.

Of course with marriage comes companionship. Someone to fight life’s battles with, someone to laugh with, someone to grow old with. Loneliness may be less of a problem in marriage – but let me just say that being married to someone does not solve all problems of loneliness. There are some married people out there who are actually quite lonely individuals. True companionship, I believe, can only be found in a relationship with one’s Maker. Only in Him can one be truly satisfied. And once a person’s relationship with his Maker is made right, all his other relationships will naturally fall in place.

So what am I saying? I am saying that being single is, at times, not an easy journey. But it is not an impossible journey. In fact, many times it is strangely enjoyable, with much freedom to spend with God and with many friends.

So if you are single and reading this, please enjoy the stint. Because this is one stint that may come around only once in a lifetime.

Eric Sung works as an Executive (Ministry) at Eagles Communications. He worships at Covenant Evangelical Free Church with his ex-girlfriend Angeline.

Paul emphasized that his ideal would be that everyone would remain single as the time is short here on earth, and so be free to completely devote our lives to the Lord and not have our hearts divided or weighed down by the cares of this world. There is a freedom in the single life that is so rarely focused on. “I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible” (1 Cor 7:35 NLT).

Perhaps we too often associate being single with being lonely. 1 Corinthians 7:1 AMP states that “it is well [and by that I mean advantageous, expedient, profitable, and wholesome]” to be single. How can any of that infer loneliness? I do not believe loneliness is what God ever intended.

It would seem that the vision of singleness as being “advantageous, expedient, profitable and wholesome” has escaped us in a society where the culture of the world and often churches too promote the vision of being incomplete without an exclusive relationship with the opposite sex.  Sadly, churches apply so much teaching to marriage and virtually none to being single. They hold up family without embracing those with none, yet the Bible clearly says that God “places the solitary in families” (Ps 68:6 AMP). The emphasis that most churches give only compounds the concept that those who are single are missing out on Divine destiny.

I have never been in a church where singleness is given similar honor, embraced and extolled as a time of destiny and amazing opportunity, as a time that is ordained by God in all its fullness. It is time to bring back honor to those who are single. To bring back teaching that extols and excites people for that time of their life. Too often the teaching is about “saving oneself for marriage,” “dating,” and similar topics – all of which have the implication that singleness is about preparing for marriage instead of it being complete in itself and a time to become the person God created us to be whilst discovering the joy of a relationship with Him. It would seem to me that someone who has been nurtured and envisioned in their singleness will automatically be in a wholesome place should God lead them to marriage. They will also be less likely to rush into relationship after relationship because they are already fulfilled in Him.

If being single equates with being incomplete, then two people coming together to complete each other is a recipe for disaster. One person can never complete another. If they enter a relationship looking for that fulfillment that only God can bring, this will lead to disappointment and more heartbreak or a co-dependent relationship as they cease to be able to function fully without the other person. Whereas a marriage should be of two people God has brought together to compliment and not complete each other, so God is still the rock of their foundation/relationship when the other lets them down.

So then, how do we make being single a positive focus? One thing I did was spend a year as a woman reading the Bible with the focus on what characters God delights in and drawing inspiration from godly women in the Bible whilst learning from the others. I wanted to learn to be a woman who could be like Deborah and be able to prophesy to someone about where they should be and be so confident in it as to even offer to go with them to the battleground. Or to be like Esther and rise to the times God has put me in. I also wanted to learn to be like Ruth who honored the men around her and respected their godly authority, and not be like Jezebel who used her sexuality to bring down a man of God (men can also do a similar Bible study on the godly men in the Bible).

There are other ways to make this a positive focus. For instance, encouraging each other to be true brothers and sisters in Christ, and caring for each other in that way. Encouraging a true relationship with Christ, I cannot express enough that only He can bring you to wholeness, and to a place where like Paul said, “Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…”  (Phil 3:8 NLT). When talking about subjects such as dating, we can state the positive rather than the negative (e.g. rather than “no sex before marriage” use “personal purity and integrity, your body being a temple of the Holy Spirit”).

Too often the “killing fields of dating” tear many hearts and it takes a long time to heal. The single years are a time to protect one’s heart and keep it only for the One who is worthy to capture it and keep it safe. The warning in Proverbs 4: 23 to guard our hearts should be noted by everyone. Our hearts belong to our King. They are His throne and His and His alone – this is our vision, to keep them for Him and, should He ask us in the future, to present them whole and undamaged for an earthly bride or bridegroom. Until then, we can have a great time and have a great time living undividedly and fully for God.

God is for us and not against us, He loves you and He values you as you are, for who you are. Song of Solomon 4:9 says “… you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes…” That is how precious He sees you. I pray you find joy and contentment in all things, through your relationship with Christ.

Daniella Kirk is 24 years old and single. She is currently on the leadership team of Generation 2 Generation, having been in ministry for over 14 years.

The New International Version of the Bible has been referenced unless otherwise stated.

Relationships are God’s vehicle for reflecting all that He has for us in community. As Father, Son, and Holy Spirit enjoying each other in a perfect flow of relationship, so He gave us each other to enjoy communion as a reflection of what He enjoys. When this takes place nothing can compare with it. When relationships are broken, pain is the result. All of us know to some extent or another how painful it is when our hearts are hurting. Some of those hurts seem to heal quickly and our lives move on with no awareness of scars or lingering pain. Other hurts invade our lives daily, sometimes taking us by surprise, while at other times we brace ourselves for the ongoing hurt that does not seem to get easier with the passing of time.

When this happens in a marriage, or a relationship that is intent on marriage, the pain and consequences cannot be expressed with words alone. Divorce can mean a lifetime of meeting the consequences of that breakdown and walking through its minefields. Sometimes it seems that the pain will never disappear and will inevitably be part of the future.

Sadly, this is so for many people. However, He whose Name is Redeemer, Savior, and Healer has the power to mend the unmendable, to heal the broken hearted and restore where there is no hope. The path to healing is not a template to be placed over a broken life, but a journey that can be quite different for every person and every situation. Suffice to say that those who pursue healing can move forward without pain at every corner. There may be consequences for a lifetime, but facing these without the deep pain is a whole different story.

How can we know when we are healed? It is most certainly not a matter of waking one morning and finding it all over but the following may be some indications that healing is certainly in sight:

• We are no longer looking for another relationship to help take the pain away, but have entered into the joy and fulfillment of singleness.
• We are happy and content in our singleness, not striving to be completed in another.
• We can face the consequences of the breakdown without fear and turmoil.
• We can look back and see the good in the other person, not just those things that caused us hurt.
• We can meet the other person with peace.
• We see our future with hope; and plan with renewed vision.
• We can talk about what happened without judging, blaming or bitterness.
• We can own our part in the breakdown without condemnation and walk in the freedom of forgiveness that is offered at the Cross.
• We understand some of what went wrong, what steps could have been taken to avoid it and in so doing grasp this revelation as a learning curve for the future.
• Our children, if any, can talk about the breakdown and their other parent with freedom in our presence.

How can we be sure that future relationships will be successful? The truth is that we probably cannot be sure. “Let anyone who thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor 10:12). But we can take steps to ensure that in as far as we can we will be set up for ongoing success.

One couple decided that both of them were going to have a period of counseling to ensure they were free from all “past baggage.” To start with, it was an individual journey for them both, coming together finally for counseling as a couple. Whatever path is chosen, an intentional search for emotional or relational land mines that could explode in the future can only be a good thing in the hands of those who are skilled in these areas.

Moving into a relationship, whether there have been past hurts or not, is so often taken too lightly. When buying a house, a car or other big commitment, advice is usually taken and serious thought given to the cost. When intent on pursuing a relationship, we are in the crisis of making one of the most important decisions of our lives at a time when we are the most emotionally unstable. We pray through the “idol” of our heart’s passion rather than through approaching the throne with open hands and an open heart to hear His will no matter what. This is where we need others who will pray and bring wisdom and accountability and walk with us into the future.

Sadly, “romantic relationships” are usually entered into without such advice, with no accountability and no wisdom sought from those who know the individuals best.

People who can be brought into the process are: leaders in the church who know them, parents (whatever age we are, there is no one who knows us better or has our best interests at heart than our parents), and close friends who have proved that they will speak truth into our lives even at the risk of losing our friendship.

Taking our time to build wholesome friendship in a group setting will give insight that can be lost when people delve right into the one-on-one relationship. It helps to avoid the pitfalls of co-dependency and allows healthy interaction with others. I know married couples who chose never to be alone until after their wedding day, making the decision to avoid temptation, or even the appearance of evil, and enjoying one another within the context of others. These people are all happily married and would do the same thing again. I mention this not as a path that must be taken but to say that there are alternative ways to move forward from those that reflect the values of the world.

Another couple I know reached an agreement right at the start of their relationship and appointed another couple to “be there” for the rest of their marriage. They agreed that either one of them could approach them without their spouse’s agreement if they felt the need. This avenue, they feel, has brought stability, accountability, and wisdom and has been a safety net through the ups and downs of thirty years of marriage.

Nearly everyone has couples in their lives who have had long and successful marriages – they can give wisdom and insight borne out of experience. Sadly, too few will sit at their feet and learn from the wisdom of the years.

Many books on marriage have been written. There are conferences and courses – all of these can only help. There are no simple answers.

However, let us be a people who will be different, act differently and take a different stance as we move forward. Before hearts get engaged on earth, let us have them consumed with the greatest Love of all, the greatest Bridegroom of all, on our knees engaged in prayer, and our hearts sold out to no other as we fast and seek counsel and so “keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life” (Prov 4:23).

The Amplified Version of the Bible has been referenced.

Daphne and her children, Andrew and Daniella Kirk, have traveled internationally for over 12 years, taking the vision of “Reconnecting the generations and releasing them to have an uncompromising passion for Jesus with a heart for mission and evangelism.” They speak at pastors and leaders conferences and help to mobilize this emerging generation “for such a time as this.” Check out the ministry founded by the Kirk family, Generation 2 Generation at www.gnation2gnation.com.